Julie Orlov -Relationship Builder http://www.julieorlov.com Create Relationships in Your Life that Work Mon, 20 Feb 2012 18:22:36 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.1 A Word Can Paint a Thousand Pictures http://www.julieorlov.com/tip-of-the-week/a-word-can-paint-a-thousand-pictures/ http://www.julieorlov.com/tip-of-the-week/a-word-can-paint-a-thousand-pictures/#comments Mon, 20 Feb 2012 18:16:36 +0000 admin http://www.julieorlov.com/?p=1143 I was innocently making a request to my significant other last week and used a word that set off quite a reaction in him.  It reminded me that we are always walking in a land mine without knowing it.  We go about our day communicating without much thought.  We tell people what to do, what we need, and how we feel.  We ask questions, make requests, and set limits.  And we do this with words.  For most of us, our word selection is based on our ongoing developing vocabulary, words and phrases we’ve grown up with, or words and phrases we’ve picked up from the people in our lives.  We rarely think much about the words we choose.  We typically use words that we’re familiar with and that will take care of our communication needs with efficiency and ease. Quite frankly, our daily use of words is relatively limited when compared with the number of words available to us in the English language.

Well, my point today is not on how we learn, select, and use language.  My point is that the language we use may be innocent enough to us, but may evoke a storm of thoughts, feelings, and reactions from those around us.  We never know what meaning a simple “word” will have for someone else; nor should we.  What’s important to remember is that each of us have trigger words—some of which we are aware of and some of which we aren’t.  In other words, I may be able to tell you I’m very sensitive to the word “needy” but may have no idea that the word “——“ will trigger a reaction.  This may be because a word heard within a certain context may trigger a reaction whereas in another context it may not.

Many an argument starts with a single word.  If you find yourself caught in the storm, stop and consider the following:

  1. Your choice of words may have caused a reaction in your significant other, but that reaction has little to do with you. Don’t take it personally. Stop and find out what it was specifically that you said that triggered the reaction.  Make the inquiry.  Don’t defend or re-attack.
  2. If you’re reacting to a specific word someone used, stop and consider that it was not meant as a personal attack.  Test your assumptions. Let the other person know which word triggered you and why.
  3. Correct any misinterpretations.  Clarify your use and meaning for your word selection–that doesn’t mean what you needed to say is unimportant.  However, sometimes it is necessary to find another word or set of words that can get the job done better.
  4. While you both may speak the same language, rarely do we really speak the same “language.”  People have different backgrounds and associations with different words.  It takes time and shared communications to learn each other’s “real” vocabulary.
  5. Don’t get stuck on semantics.  What’s really important is to find a way to communicate respectfully and effectively.  Let it go and move on.  Find common ground from which to begin and build from there.

Creating a vocabulary that works well in your relationship is worth the effort.  In the end, your personal vocabulary will grow, your trigger words will lessen, and your communication and connection with each other will flourish.

Be well,

Julie

Julie Orlov, psychotherapist, speaker, and author of The Pathway to Love: Create Intimacy and Transform Your Relationships through Self-Discovery

Retrieve Your FREE Relationship Assessment Quiz and see if YOUR Relationship is on track at www.julieorlov.com

Create Relationships in Your Life That Work — learn more at www.julieorlov.com

]]> http://www.julieorlov.com/tip-of-the-week/a-word-can-paint-a-thousand-pictures/feed/ 0 Another Article on Valentine’s Day? Please say it’s not so… http://www.julieorlov.com/tip-of-the-week/another-article-on-valentine%e2%80%99s-day-please-say-it%e2%80%99s-not-so%e2%80%a6/ http://www.julieorlov.com/tip-of-the-week/another-article-on-valentine%e2%80%99s-day-please-say-it%e2%80%99s-not-so%e2%80%a6/#comments Mon, 13 Feb 2012 17:32:00 +0000 admin http://www.julieorlov.com/?p=1140 I’ve been racking my brain thinking of what to write this week for my tip and blog post as Valentine’s Day is tomorrow.   My dilemma is that I feel obligated to write something in honor of Valentine’s Day—I am aware that love and relationships are my areas of expertise.  But for some reason, I can’t seem to find the enthusiasm.  I have mixed feelings about Valentine’s Day.  If you’re single or in a bad relationship, you wish the holiday would simply go away.  If you’re in a good relationship or marriage, you can easily succumb to the pressure of feeling like you need to create romance and passionately express your love. And lastly, if you’re a parent with young children, you have the duty of helping them prepare Valentines for their classmates which may be fun for you or just another item on your already too full “to-do” list.  So regardless of which category above you belong to, I wanted to write something that gives you some relief—something different to consider—something different from all the hype.

So for those of you that love Valentine’s Day and all that it encompasses, this article may give you some new ideas to add to your current repertoire of activities. For those of you that wish you could find a new way in which to enjoy Valentine’s Day, here are my suggestions for celebrating love.

  1. Adopt an animal from a shelter.  A rescued pet is eternally grateful and will be an expression of your love every day of the year.  This is the gift that keeps on giving.
  2. Take your single parent or grandparent out to dinner or better yet, cook them dinner at home. Sometimes your greatest love is your first love. Remembering to show your love and gratitude to a parent or grandparent will go a long way, long after their gone.
  3. Smile and give eye contact to everyone you encounter this Valentine’s Day.  A smile goes a long way—it can bring a smile to an otherwise gloomy day for the person you see on the street.
  4. Make a donation to your favorite charity on Valentine’s Day. Making a difference is an act of love in its purest form.
  5. Forget the hype of romantic love.  Real love is found in all your relationships in which you care about each other’s well-being.  Express your gratitude to the people you have in your life that make your life what it is today.
  6. Okay, here is one for all you lovers out there—express your passion with abandon. Explore your fantasies, focus on pleasuring the one you love, get out of the house and away from the kids, and make sure you give yourselves the time and space necessary for creating connection, intimacy, and pure ecstasy!

Whatever you decide to do or not do this Valentine’s Day, I wish you lots of love every day of every year.

Please feel free to share with us what you did for Valentine’s Day and how it went.  If you are really especially frustrated in the area of love and relationships, don’t hesitate to reach out.  I’m here to help.

Be well,

Julie

Julie Orlov, psychotherapist, speaker, and author of The Pathway to Love: Create Intimacy and Transform Your Relationships through Self-Discovery

Retrieve Your FREE Relationship Assessment Quiz and see if YOUR Relationship is on track at www.julieorlov.com

Create Relationships in Your Life That Work — learn more at www.julieorlov.com

]]> http://www.julieorlov.com/tip-of-the-week/another-article-on-valentine%e2%80%99s-day-please-say-it%e2%80%99s-not-so%e2%80%a6/feed/ 0 Get Your Ego Out of the Way and Win http://www.julieorlov.com/tip-of-the-week/get-your-ego-out-of-the-way-and-win/ http://www.julieorlov.com/tip-of-the-week/get-your-ego-out-of-the-way-and-win/#comments Mon, 06 Feb 2012 16:47:59 +0000 admin http://www.julieorlov.com/?p=1136 Our egos are very stubborn and they like to win.  The ego wants to be right, wants to be special; the ego wants things the easy way, its way, or to finally find thee way.  And while it is necessary to develop a strong ego in the first half of life, it is just as important to give up the ego in the second.  Nature certainly has a sense of humor. It demands we get it, only to demand we lose it.

So what does it mean to give up your ego?  Does this mean that you no longer fight for what you think is right?  Does it mean you no longer speak up and fight to get your needs met?  Does it mean you have to give up and settle?  No, but here is what you need to know about your ego.  Your ego is very fragile and insecure.  It is your ego that gets defensive and belittles others so it can feel safe and powerful.  It is your ego that demands others acquiesce to your way of thinking and doing.  It is your ego that wreaks havoc on your relationships.

But don’t be too hard on your ego.  It’s intentions are good.  Your ego is working hard to protect itself in order to protect you.  It’s just a bit confused. Think of your ego as your internal two-year-old.  It needs to be managed but at the same time it needs to be understood and comforted.  It doesn’t know any better, it is just acting like an ego. When you get your ego under control and out of the way, magic happens. Your true Self can lead the way.  Your authentic Self shines through.  The Self is where your true power and well-being lives.

So how do you know if it is your ego or your Self that is running the show? Here are some examples of how the ego functions in comparison to the self.

The ego resists what is; the Self accepts what is.

The ego makes demands; the Self makes requests.

The ego gets scared; the Self knows everything will be okay.

The ego has a very narrow field of vision; the Self can see the infinite possibilities.

The ego will fight to be right; the Self knows what is right for it and can allow others the same freedom.

The ego will try to make something happen; the Self will allow life to take its course.

The ego will protect itself at any cost; the Self knows it can never die.

The ego has something to lose; the Self has everything to give.

The next time you find yourself in a conflict or upset, stop and observe your ego in action.  Be compassionate but firm.  Let your ego know that while you appreciate its attempt to keep you safe and sound, your Self will take over for now.  It can rest and take a back seat.  Then let your Self shine through.  See the magic that happens in your life.  Experience the peace that comes to you.  Find your way back to love.

Be well,

Julie

Julie Orlov, psychotherapist, speaker, and author of The Pathway to Love: Create Intimacy and Transform Your Relationships through Self-Discovery

Retrieve Your FREE Relationship Assessment Quiz and see if YOUR Relationship is on track at www.julieorlov.com

Create Relationships in Your Life That Work — learn more at www.julieorlov.com

]]> http://www.julieorlov.com/tip-of-the-week/get-your-ego-out-of-the-way-and-win/feed/ 1 Get Your Sexy Back http://www.julieorlov.com/tip-of-the-week/get-your-sexy-back/ http://www.julieorlov.com/tip-of-the-week/get-your-sexy-back/#comments Sun, 29 Jan 2012 21:02:41 +0000 admin http://www.julieorlov.com/?p=1133 While sexual intimacy only takes up about 10 percent of a relationship in terms of time and energy, the payoff for a good sex life is tenfold, both for yourself and your relationship.  But for many, the quality of their sex life is the first thing that starts to wan once they have settled in for a long haul.  Maybe this is because the novelty has worn off; maybe this is because you’ve run out of new positions and ideas; maybe this is because it gets easy to take for granted that your mate will be there tomorrow if you have more energy or desire then.  Regardless, it takes a personal and relational commitment to keep your sex life alive and healthy.  So if you’ve been feeling a lack of luster in your sex life, here are some things to consider.

First, having a healthy and satisfying sex life enhances you in many ways.  It relieves stress, promotes emotional and psychological well-being, releases lots of feel good hormones, supports physical health, and creates more intimacy and love within a committed relationship.  Can’t beat that.

Second, there is no one right way to define a healthy and satisfying sexual relationship.  You and your partner are the ones who will need to define that for yourselves.  Conflict occurs in relationships when two people have different and often opposing needs and ideas. The challenge is for you and your partner to sit down with each other and find a definition that works toward nourishing and satisfying the needs of your relationship.  If you approach the conflict from this perspective you will avoid settling into a power struggle of whose individual needs get met when and how.  Finding a rhythm that works for the needs of the relationship will most likely end up satisfying both partners.  And remember, your and your relationship’s needs will shift throughout a lifetime.

Third, it is not your partner’s responsibility to make you feel sexy.  It is yours.  Feeling sexy and gaining the benefits from a vital sex life starts with you.  Do what you need to do to feel sexy.  Take responsibility for your own sexual health. Take the initiative to spice things up. Be the seducer if you are typically not; allow yourself to be seduced if you typically don’t.  Taking responsibility for your sexual health requires you to take responsibility for your self-care—physically, emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually.

Fourth, it is also your responsibility to make your partner feel sexy. That will look different for different people.  Find out what your partner likes; let him know he still turns you on; let her know she’s still lights up the room. Understand that making your partner feel sexy begins outside of the bedroom; it starts with how you treat each other day in and day out. It comes out of the daily care and attention you provide for each other.

Fifth, make sex a priority. The benefits are worth it. It helps dissolve pettiness and pickiness.  The dinner dishes left in the sink won’t bother you as much; the clothes left on the floor will go unnoticed and the fact that your spouse forgot to walk the dog once again, may not turn out to be a big deal. Instead you may find yourself doing the dishes for your spouse or walking the dog yourself without resentment.  You may even find yourself wanting to do that something special for your mate as a surprise. You may find you have some extra energy, a glow about you, and a feeling of being in love once again.

Sixth, remember that life has its ups and downs and so will your sex life. Children will be born, family deaths will ensue, illnesses will occur.  Know that if life is getting in the way today, this will pass.  There will come a time when you can get your sexy back. So be patient and understanding with yourself and your partner when these times come around. Go back to working as a team, focusing on how best to meet the relationship’s needs given what stressors and circumstances are working on the relationship at the moment. Or better yet, incorporate some intimacy as a means to help support each other as you move through the transition.

Last, physical intimacy does not need to be fireworks every time.  Holding each other, kissing, or even talking can provide the same benefits as passionate and hot sex. True intimacy includes the physical, but is not limited by it. Explore new ways to express and deepen your intimacy. Go beyond the sexual experience and you just may find a whole new world waiting for you. And remember to have fun!

Be well,

Julie

Julie Orlov, psychotherapist, speaker, and author of The Pathway to Love: Create Intimacy and Transform Your Relationships through Self-Discovery

Retrieve Your FREE Relationship Assessment Quiz and see if YOUR Relationship is on track at www.julieorlov.com

Create Relationships in Your Life That Work — learn more at www.julieorlov.com

]]> http://www.julieorlov.com/tip-of-the-week/get-your-sexy-back/feed/ 0 Being Vulnerable… Is it worth it? http://www.julieorlov.com/tip-of-the-week/being-vulnerable%e2%80%a6-is-it-worth-it/ http://www.julieorlov.com/tip-of-the-week/being-vulnerable%e2%80%a6-is-it-worth-it/#comments Sun, 22 Jan 2012 21:11:41 +0000 admin http://www.julieorlov.com/?p=1129 No one likes to feel vulnerable.  Just check out Webster’s Dictionary and you’ll find words like “open to, in danger, at risk.”  Doesn’t sound so appealing when you think about it from that perspective.   So why would anyone agree to intentionally putting themselves at risk, especially when it comes to matters of the heart?  What’s so great about being vulnerable?  Since this word is thrown around so much in the world of love and relationships, I decided to break down the pros and cons to being vulnerable.

Let’s start with the cons.

Being Vulnerable puts you at risk for injury, harm and heartbreak.  It means your defenses are down and your heart is open.

Being vulnerable puts you at risk for rejection.  It means you have a stake in something and that something or someone may reject you, dismiss you, judge you, or leave you.

Being vulnerable puts you at risk for opening up old wounds.  It means that someone may hurt you in the same way you’ve been hurt before, thereby creating injury on top of injury—ouch!

Okay, so far it doesn’t look too good for vulnerability.  The risks seem high.  But let’s look again at what it means to be vulnerable from another perspective.

Being vulnerable allows you to relate to others authentically.  It means you don’t have to pretend to be anything other than yourself.

Being vulnerable allows you to take risks and go for your dreams. It means you are able to live a life filled with adventure, passion, purpose, and joy.

Being vulnerable allows you to experience true intimacy with others.  It means you are able to connect with others in a genuine, honest, and open manner.

Being vulnerable allows you to give and receive real love.  And that means everything!

So before you crawl back into your shell and reject the idea of vulnerability, remember the rewards that come with this risky business—freedom, power, passion, and love.  It just might be worth it.

Be well,

Julie

Julie Orlov, psychotherapist, speaker, and author of The Pathway to Love: Create Intimacy and Transform Your Relationships through Self-Discovery

]]> http://www.julieorlov.com/tip-of-the-week/being-vulnerable%e2%80%a6-is-it-worth-it/feed/ 0 Is There a Ghost Lurking In Your Relationship? http://www.julieorlov.com/tip-of-the-week/ghosts-of-relationships-past/ http://www.julieorlov.com/tip-of-the-week/ghosts-of-relationships-past/#comments Sun, 15 Jan 2012 19:35:48 +0000 admin http://www.julieorlov.com/?p=1120 We all have past relationships, experiences and memories. No one comes into adulthood with a clean slate. And if you’re past the age of 25, you most likely have had at least one significant romantic relationship if not more. As you look back and reminisce on your past, you will find that some of those memories are sweet and some are sour. Life is filled with both. Your past is filled with both. The question is not if your past in lurking in your present relationship, but how.

 

It really doesn’t matter if your memory is sweet or sour, either one can wreak havoc on the present. The trick is to separate out past from present. The trick is to recognize and manage your ghosts of relationships past. Easier said than done. Let me share a couple of stories to show you why.

Janie is a divorced 40 year old woman who is now dating Jim. Janie’s first marriage was difficult and her divorce was even more so. Janie felt manipulated, controlled, and unsupported throughout most of her marriage. Janie will be the first to admit that it was her responsibility to set appropriate limits at the get go. She feels she did not support herself enough and this lack of self-care made it easy for her to tolerate lack of caring from others, especially her husband. Although Janie worked hard at trying to make the marriage work, in the end, she left. She eventually found her own self-worth and made a vow to never lose it again.

When Janie met Jim, she was doing well in her career and was satisfied with her life as is. She felt Jim was a decent man and enjoyed spending time with him. All was well until the day Jim invited Janie to his parents’ 45th wedding anniversary party. Janie was excited and nervous about the event. She was fairly shy in nature and did not do well in large groups with people she did not know. Janie explained this to Jim and asked if he would make an extra effort to stay by her side and help her navigate the special event. Jim said he would. They arrived at the party and no sooner than they had walked through the door did Jim disappear. Janie felt abandoned. She felt Jim had only said he would be by her side in order to have someone to “show off” to his family. She felt manipulated, controlled, and unsupported.

What Janie didn’t know is that Jim’s cousins had grabbed his arm and pulled him aside immediately because they had planned a special surprise for his parents and wanted him to know what they were up to. Jim was gone for only a few minutes, but in those few minutes, Janie’s ghost had settled in. It would take time and effort for Janie to calm herself down enough in order to find out what really happened to Jim and even more time to reconcile her current man with the ghost that was haunting her. Jim had no idea that a ghost had infiltrated his relationship with Janie when he tried to find her at the party and could not.

We all have ghosts from relationships past. And some of them are quite nice.

Larry was married for twenty years to a wonderful woman. His wife died of cancer a few years ago. They had one daughter together and she had just gone off to college. Larry met Kathy at a business meeting. They started dating and had become a serious item fairly quickly. Larry was hungry for the warmth of another woman and was so glad he had Kathy in his life. But as time went on and the relationship grew more serious, Larry began to notice the differences between Kathy and his late wife. Kathy was a career woman; his wife was dedicated to taking care of their home and daughter. Kathy liked to travel and eat out in restaurants; his wife liked to entertain at home. Even though Larry rationally understood that Kathy and his late wife were two different people, he couldn’t help but feel the sadness over their differences. While on the one hand Kathy offered something new and wonderful to his life; on the other, the differences made him miss his late wife even more than before he had met Kathy—the differences made him feel something was missing or wrong with what he had with Kathy.

As the relationship progressed, Kathy wanted more intimacy with Larry. She wanted to spend more time with him. She wanted this relationship to grow toward something more permanent and committed. She felt Larry’s distance. He would spend the night, but then quickly leave the next morning and would find reasons for why they could not go away for the weekend.

Larry felt something was missing with Kathy but couldn’t really say what it was. Larry didn’t understand that his own ghost of relationships past was interfering with his ability to fully connect and commit to Kathy. He didn’t understand that he was still in part living in his past with his wife. Fully committing to Kathy would require that he release his commitment to his wife and the life they had together.

What ghost is lurking in your relationship? How does it impact your ability to be fully present with your significant other for who he or she truly is? Are you aware of when and how it wreaks havoc? And most importantly, are you able to send off your ghost with love so that you can fully engage in your life and your loved one today?

Share your ghost story with us.

And be well,
Julie

Julie Orlov, psychotherapist, speaker, and author of The Pathway to Love: Create Intimacy and Transform Your Relationships through Self-Discovery

Create Relationships in Your Life That Work — learn more at www.julieorlov.com

]]> http://www.julieorlov.com/tip-of-the-week/ghosts-of-relationships-past/feed/ 0 He loves me, he loves me not! http://www.julieorlov.com/uncategorized/he-loves-me-he-loves-me-not/ http://www.julieorlov.com/uncategorized/he-loves-me-he-loves-me-not/#comments Mon, 09 Jan 2012 17:11:39 +0000 admin http://www.julieorlov.com/?p=1106 I remember being around eight years old, picking the pedals off a daisy, chanting these very words—he loves me, he loves me not.  Whether he loved you or not depended on where the last pedal landed in the chant.  At the time it felt like a simple game, like eeny, meeny, miny, moe. However, having worked with couples over the past 25 years, I now understand how much this childhood game reflects a dynamic that has become ingrained in the psyche of our romantic culture.  Unfortunately, for many it has become an integral part of their adult relationships.  Let me explain what I mean through the lives of Diane and Ken.

Diane and Ken have been together for three years.  Their relationship started out great.  Diane likes to feel special.  Ken had a way of making Diane feel so special by his concentrated attentiveness in the beginning of their relationship.  Diane became smitten early on and their romance was off and running.  After a few months, Ken’s heightened attention towards Diane began to wane.  The novelty of their new romance was wearing off and real life was settling in.  Sound familiar?  It should be.  This is a normal part of moving from phase one into phase two of a developing relationship.  Some couples move through this transition with ease, others do not.  In the case of Diane and Ken, they got stuck.

Diane began to associate Ken’s attentiveness with his love.  For example, if Ken gave Diane a compliment, he loved her; if he criticized her in any way, he did not.  If he wanted to spend time with her, he loved her; if he wanted to spend his free time away, he did not.  Diane was caught in the “he loves me, he loves me not” game.  She reacted to what was occurring in the moment, forgetting about the bigger picture.  She was too much in the moment, unable to integrate all of Ken’s actions over a long period of time.  When she felt hurt or rejected, she was unable to pull back and gain perspective.

But before you label Diane as the crazy unreasonable one, let’s take a look at Ken.  Ken’s self-esteem was fed by Diane’s approval.  Ken liked making Diane feel special because it made him feel special in doing so.  When he could no longer keep up the pace, Diane’s approval quickly turned.  Ken would respond to Diane’s withdrawal and upset by once again trying to be “good”, showering her with attention.  But as life demanded that Ken attend to people and things other than Diane, he would inevitably disappoint and the cycle would start anew.  Ken was unable to tolerate Diane’s disapproval and became caught in a no-win situation.  It takes two to play the game of “he loves me; he loves me not” and Diane and Ken had been going at it for almost three years.

So while Diane and Ken’s story is just one example of how this dynamic works, you may do the same in varying ways.  Think about a time when you reacted, generalizing one action or circumstance to the entire person or relationship.  Think about a time when you choose drama over reason.  Think about a time when your hurt turned into something bigger than what the situation called for.  It’s probably happened more than you’d like to admit.  Your significant other has probably done something similar as well.  No one is immune to the “he loves me, he loves me not” game.  So next time someone does something that makes you feel loved or unloved, remind yourself of the following:

  1. It is important to see a behavior occur over time in varying circumstances in order to determine if the behavior reflects a general trait or trend. Don’t take one action or inaction and make that define your whole relationship or significant other.
  2. Your partner is not responsible for your happiness or making you feel whole.  At the end of the day, you are responsible for feeling loved, lovable, and content.
  3. No one person can be everything you need them to be all the time.  Learn to deal with disappointment effectively.
  4. It’s okay to feel hurt and rejected; it’s even okay to feel sorry for yourself for a bit.  But don’t get stuck in feeling like a victim.  Acknowledge your feelings and move on.  Chances are your loved one will come through for you another time in the not so distant future.
  5. People have needs and moods of their own, separate from you.  That doesn’t mean they don’t love you.  Your significant other may simply be stressed, tired, distracted, or needing to attend to other things.
  6. Be mindful of what you make things mean.  It is easy to misinterpret others’ actions.  Be aware of what types of actions (or inactions) trigger the feeling of being loved or unloved.  Challenge your beliefs. Test reality. Remember the bigger picture.
  7. In a long-term relationship, there will be times you feel more in love than others.  There will be times your partner feels more in love than others.  You may not have the same rhythm in this regards.  But hang in there and remember that if you work on the relationship and keep the communication open, the daisy will always grow new pedals, no matter where things currently stand.

Be well,

Julie

Julie Orlov, psychotherapist, speaker, and author of The Pathway to Love: Create Intimacy and Transform Your Relationships through Self-Discovery

Create Relationships in Your Life That Work — learn more at www.julieorlov.com

]]> http://www.julieorlov.com/uncategorized/he-loves-me-he-loves-me-not/feed/ 0 Creating A New Year’s Relationship Resolution http://www.julieorlov.com/tip-of-the-week/creating-a-new-years-relationship-resolution/ http://www.julieorlov.com/tip-of-the-week/creating-a-new-years-relationship-resolution/#comments Mon, 19 Dec 2011 04:53:22 +0000 admin http://www.julieorlov.com/?p=1100 I’ve had a New Year’s Eve ritual for many years.  It started when my children were small and I found myself with a cupboard filled with crayons, markers, glitter glue, and construction paper.  One year, I decided to engage my children in an activity.  We drew our vision for the following year.  We didn’t look back on what was—what we did or did not accomplish or experience the year prior.  We simply imagined and created a vision for the following year—a vision that was represented in colors, shapes, abstract images, or real life drawings.  We have enjoyed this tradition.  I plan on creating my 2012 drawing again this New Year’s Eve. Our ritual is nothing out of the ordinary, but we like it nonetheless.

I’m sure many of you have your own way of saying goodbye to the old year and welcoming in the new.  This year, I wanted to offer you something new to consider.  How about creating a 2012 vision for your relationship?  It doesn’t matter which relationship or how many.  It only matters that you do this together with the person you have in mind.  It can be your spouse, partner, colleague, child, parent, sibling or friend.  We’re pretty good a creating visions or goals on our own for ourselves.  When it comes to creating visions for our relationships, we’re less experienced.  Most of you have never approached New Years and your relationships in this manner, at least not with intentionality and formality.  So if you’re game, let me tell you how this works. 

Here are the six steps to creating a New Year’s Relationship Resolution.

  1. Imagine that your relationship is a living breathing being.  Some people find it easier to do this by actually putting a pillow on a chair and using the pillow as a concrete representation of their relationship.
  2. Look at your relationship and describe the qualities, traits, and values you want it to have in the coming year.  Examples of this could include, kind, patient, adventurous, giving, funny, intelligent, and so on.
  3. What does your relationship want to accomplish in the coming year?  What are its goals?  What legacy does it want to leave at the end of the year?
  4. How do you see your relationship growing and developing over the next year?
  5. What does your relationship need in order to achieve its goals and desires?  What does it need from you and your significant other?  From the community? The environment? And others?
  6. Make a commitment to serve the needs of your relationship’s vision throughout the year.  Check and see if your decisions and actions are in alignment with the needs of your relationship.

I encourage you to be as creative as you want.  You can create this vision with words, images, photos, objects, music, and art.  I promise you that simply going through this exercise will transform your relationship.  This activity is at the core of phase four: relational transformation in The Pathway to Love.  You don’t have to wait for New Year’s to do this but establishing the tradition ensures that you carve out the time and space for attending to the people and relationships that you value.

Let us know how it goes.  Please feel free to share your visions with us.  Send in pictures of what you created.

Again, I wish you a safe and wonderful holiday season and a year filled with abundance, health, and love!

Until 2012,
Julie

Remember there’s still time to purchase The Pathway to Love books and cd. Give yourself and the people you love, the gift of love, every day of the year.  You can purchase hard copies or electronic copies at www.JulieOrlov.com/products or at Amazon.com

My gift to you? For the month of January, I am offering private coaching sessions (in person, on the phone, or by skype) at 50% off the regular fees. Research has shown that more people struggle in their relationships during the month of January than at any other time of the year.  This means that January is your opportunity to see what needs to be seen, heal what needs to be healed, and transform your relationships.  So email us today and schedule your appointment.

P.S. I plan on taking time to replenish and enjoy time with my family and loved ones.  Your Tips of the Week will resume on January 9, 2012.  Exciting new programs and opportunities are coming!

Julie Orlov, psychotherapist, speaker, and author of The Pathway to Love: Create Intimacy and Transform Your Relationships through Self-Discovery

Create Relationships in Your Life That Work — learn more at www.julieorlov.com

 

]]> http://www.julieorlov.com/tip-of-the-week/creating-a-new-years-relationship-resolution/feed/ 0 Why I Wrote The Pathway to Love http://www.julieorlov.com/tip-of-the-week/why-i-wrote-the-pathway-to-love/ http://www.julieorlov.com/tip-of-the-week/why-i-wrote-the-pathway-to-love/#comments Sun, 11 Dec 2011 18:56:26 +0000 admin http://www.julieorlov.com/?p=1096 Julie, what motivated you to write The Pathway to Love? I am often asked this question. It is an important question.  So I thought I’d share my thoughts with you today on this very topic.

In some ways I wrote The Pathway to Love for very selfish reasons.  I love people. I’m very social. I love creating connections and relationships.  I value kindness and try to be compassionate and kind with others.  I love the feeling of having many people in my heart and it pains me when I see people struggle with their own pain and fears in a way that not only hurts them, but hurts the people around them.  You know who I mean.  Some of those people have crossed your path or live in your home.  And guess what? You are one of them too.  We all are.  We all acquire our wounds throughout the years.  We all struggle with how to manage and heal the pain.  We all look to one another for comfort and love and wrestle with the fear of being vulnerable and hurt yet again.  Yes, you got it.  We are all human and we’re all in this together.

In a nutshell, this is why I wrote The Pathway to Love.  I want to help create a world in which we are all committed to each other’s well-being.  My intentions are to remind people about the true nature of relationships. How they work, how they impact us, and how we impact them in return.  I want to help people tap into the healing power of relationships rather than experiencing relationships as ones that continue to hurt and maim.  Call me an idealist, but here are some snapshots of my vision…

You walk into a store and see a mother yelling at her three year old who is running down the aisles out of control.  You see she has a baby in her basket and when she finally catches up to her 3 year-old son, she spanks him repeatedly.  Instead of thinking that this woman has no business being a mother given the fact that she can’t control herself let alone her child, you go up to the woman and say, “I know exactly how it feels to try and do your grocery shopping with a tired and rambunctious child, let alone with a baby in tow.  If you’d like, I’d be happy to finish up your shopping list and let you handle things with your children without the added stress.”  The exhausted and stressed out Mom looks at you with gratitude, feels immediately understood and supported, and gives you her shopping list.  Two lives (at least) were changed in that one moment in time.

Your wife comes home tired.  She’s been working overtime for the last month and is fighting a cold.  You prepared a romantic dinner for her with the intention of caring for her and creating an intimate evening.  She walks in the door, sees the flowers, candles, and place settings on the table, and gives you a look of gratitude.  As much as she would like to engage, she has nothing left.  She lets you know that she is feeling awful and needs to take a bath and go to bed.  She thanks you for the thought and walks past you down that hall.  At first you feel angry and hurt.  You think about how she constantly complains that you don’t support her enough and when you finally do, she rejects your efforts.  You’re just about ready to throw the dinner down the sink and let your wife know what an ungrateful b% #*# she is.  You stop and take the time to consider what it is you truly want to create with your wife.  You make up a dinner plate, flower and all, along with a cup of tea and some vitamin C and deliver it to her in bed.  You let her know that she’s welcomed to eat if she has an appetite and if not, you’ll save it for another day.  Your wife looks at you with love, knowing that you could have pouted and punished her, but instead chose to understand and respond accordingly.

You are going about your usual day.  There are choices to make throughout the day.  You take the time to make choices that consider their impact—impact on you, others around you, and the world in which we share.  Some of the choices include

  • Deciding to use a reusable sports bottle instead of disposable plastic
  • Putting your cigarette out in an ashtray rather than throwing it out your car window
  • Waiting until you find a recycle trash bin to throw out your paper and plastic instead of using the convenient regular trash bin at the gas station
  • Letting the car yield into your lane instead of speeding up
  • Taking the time to return a call to your sister rather than putting it off
  • Helping a friend with getting their daughter to soccer practice
  • Picking up your dog’s poop when walking in the neighborhood
  • Making a donation to a charity
  • Volunteering your time to a good cause
  • Smiling at strangers as you go about your day
  • Taking the time to acknowledge the guy who serves you coffee rather than read your email on your iphone
  • Sending that text that lets someone know you’re thinking of them today
  • Asking before you borrow your sister’s favorite sweater
  • Taking any conflict you have with someone and turning it into a positive connection-choosing peaceful resolution or letting it go rather than escalating a power struggle
  • Choosing to understand rather than prove you’re right
  • Choosing the well-being of people and your relationships rather than filling immediate gratifications in your attempt to dissuade any emptiness or erase any emotional discomfort

Again, my motivation for writing The Pathway to Love was fairly selfish.  This is the kind of world I want to live in.  This is the kind of world I want to pass on to my children.  This is my notion of The Pathway to Love.

Thank you for allowing me to share my vision with you. As always, I invite you along for the ride.  I know many of you are already here or are on your own version of this journey.  I know I’m in good company.  So let’s continue together…

With love,

Julie

Julie Orlov, psychotherapist, speaker, and author of The Pathway to Love: Create Intimacy and Transform Your Relationships through Self-Discovery

Create Relationships in Your Life That Work — learn more at www.julieorlov.com

]]> http://www.julieorlov.com/tip-of-the-week/why-i-wrote-the-pathway-to-love/feed/ 0 A Friend Died Last Week http://www.julieorlov.com/tip-of-the-week/a-friend-died-last-week/ http://www.julieorlov.com/tip-of-the-week/a-friend-died-last-week/#comments Tue, 06 Dec 2011 02:47:59 +0000 admin http://www.julieorlov.com/?p=1089 Terrence Wing was my friend and colleague.  He was a role model for leadership, integrity, kindness, generosity, and spirit.  He died suddenly and was in the prime of his life. Since word spread about his untimely death last Thursday, there has been an enormous outpour of heartfelt sentiments.  Terrence meant a lot to me.  And it was clear he meant a lot to many.  He will be missed and the world has lost one of its shining stars.

Terrence continues to teach me in his passing.  He was a strong advocate for social media and was an active member in his twitter and Facebook communities. And while some people dismiss the technology, stating it creates distant and artificial relationships, Terrence has proven otherwise.  All you need to do is read the comments and tweets scattered throughout the net and it is clear how powerful and intimate this technology can be.  Terrence teaches us that it is the person behind the words that creates the connection, not the technology.  Terrence teaches us that the technology enables us to stay connected with old friends and colleagues while creating new ones around the world.  His impact was far reaching.  His spirit, intelligence, and humanity came through whether you knew him in person or online.

I share my own personal loss with you because it acts as a reminder to us all.  I’m sure you have had your own personal experience of losing someone unexpectedly—those untimely deaths that leave you wondering if you had taken enough time in recent days to let that person know just how much he/she meant to you.  So often we get caught up in the everyday treadmill of getting things done and keeping up.  And while we know how our lives are touched and enriched by those around us, sometimes we forget to share those thoughts as we go about our daily lives.  So here’s the lesson I am passing on to you on behalf of Terrence.

Don’t forget to tell the people you love that you love them.  It doesn’t matter what form this takes—be it a tweet, text, hug, letter, phone call, post, talking quietly at home, or invitation to lunch.  Don’t put it off.  You simply never know what today, let alone tomorrow, will bring. Our technology actually makes it easier for us to let people know how much we appreciate who they are and how they contribute to our lives.

Don’t take people for granted.  Don’t take your relationships for granted.  I’ve always said that our relationships are the most important assets we have in our lives.  At the end of the day, it is the people and the quality of our relationships that matter, nothing else.

So please go home and hug your kids, kiss your significant other, call your parents, send your best friend a card, and say thank you to your co-workers for a job well done.  The gestures count.  The words mean something.  The sentiments create connection and community.

Good-bye Terrence.  Rest in Peace.

Your Friend, Julie

Julie Orlov, psychotherapist, speaker, and author of The Pathway to Love: Create Intimacy and Transform Your Relationships through Self-Discovery

Create Relationships in Your Life That Work — learn more at www.julieorlov.com

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