Romantic Love: Is it Truth or Fiction?
Hello Everyone:
We all know what it’s like to fall in love. It’s that wonderful feeling that goes with meeting someone you really like and to whom you have a chemical attraction. It’s the time when a relationship is pure potential. It’s when you’re floating on air while feeling butterflies in your stomach. It’s the first phase of the natural development of an intimate relationship.
During this time, it is normal for two people to idealize one another, focusing on those aspects of the other that make them feel good. It is also normal to fantasize about what is and will come to pass. How does this person feel about me? Will this relationship grow and it what way? You know the questions that go through your mind. It is during this phase of relationships that the greatest assumptions and hopes for the future are generated. This phase always occurs whether you fall hard or slowly make your way down the road of romantic love.
Over time, as two people get to know each other better, the illusion of who you want this person to be begins to fade into who they really are. You begin to separate out fact from fiction. You begin to look at one another’s actions, communicate expectations, and accept the limitations that exist. You begin to move into the next phase of relationships where the feeling of attachment stems from a more mature, honest, and realistic perspective of one another. This phase continues until the relationship stabilizes or dissolves.
In some cases, people get stuck in phase one. They develop what is referred to as the fantasy bond. It is called the fantasy bond because the individual in this dilemma develops a bond or attachment to the fantasy of a person or relationship, not the reality of who or what truly exists. They simply are unable to move on to the next phase of development. This occurs more readily under certain circumstances such as:
1) When two people are limited in contact, such as when they see each other very infrequently or have had an intense one or two time “encounter”.
2) When the ways that two people communicate and relate are more virtual than not, such as via email, chat rooms, text messaging, etc.
3) When someone is very fearful of real intimacy, but craves the idea of intimacy; in this case he/she may create a fantasy bond that does not require any real level of commitment.
4) When someone has a deep sense of emptiness and loneliness that is difficult to tolerate. For these individuals, it’s better to believe something exists that does not, rather than deal with the loss and emptiness that comes from accepting what truly is.
So how does one enjoy that wonderful experience of falling in love without getting trapped in a fantasy bond? The good news is that most of us will not have to worry. However, even the most mature level headed individuals are not completely immune. I’ve worked with some very intelligent and insightful individuals who at one point or another in their lifetime met someone who triggered an obsessive or fantasy bond. So just in case, here are some helpful hints to keep your head above water while navigating romantic love.
1) Remember that just because you feel a certain way about someone, does not mean it’s reciprocal. One person can experience an intense connection to another, who in turn, does not. Separate out your feelings from theirs.
2) There is no substitute for time when it comes to getting to know someone. Who you think someone is at the outset, is only a slice of who they are. You as well will not show all those aspects of who you are in the first phase of romantic love. Truly knowing someone takes a long time, if not a lifetime. Separate out who you want them to be (or not) from who they are.
3) Look to the behaviors and communications. Are they congruent with one another? Do they meet your needs? In the long run, it’s better to accept what is, even if this means the relationship is not real or right for you. By doing so, you free yourself to meet someone who can truly give you what you need.
4) See what you may be avoiding dealing with yourself? What lessons does this person and relationship offer you? What aspects of yourself or your life do you need to address? What are you contributing to the current situation?
Relationships are designed to challenge us. They are also designed to support, enrich, and fulfill us. Go fall in love. It’s worth the risk.
Stay with me and engage in this conversation. Your voice has an impact. What are your thoughts on this subject?
We want to know because….Your life matters!
Take care and till next time,
Julie
For More Information on Julie Orlov Consulting, visit www.julieorlov.com
To add your contact information to our database, go to www.julieorlov.com/contactus
Acceptance Does Not Mean Yes
I realized the other day that I throw the word “accept and acceptance” out quite a bit. I thought it would be helpful to clarify what that word really means and what it doesn’t. Acceptance means you accept people and/or situations for what they are. It requires that you stop making attempts to change, control, or somehow manipulate a person or situation into being something different. Acceptance results in a letting go of what you wish something would be and replaces this with being at peace with what it. Of course, getting to the “at peace” part usually entails you first go through some sort of grieving process.
Acceptance does not mean that you are willing to allow a situation to continue nor does it mean that you are willing to continue a relationship. These choices are distinct from accepting someone or something as is. These choices relate to if and how your needs are getting met. These choices reflect your integrity with who you are and what you want. These choices reflect what behaviors from others you will tolerate or not. At the end of the day, you will decide what relationships and situations work for you. Furthermore, the most powerful decisions and choices come from accepting what is as opposed to what if’s.
Here’s an example. I was working with a client (I’ll call her Laura) who was in love with a man who only wanted to be her friend. Although Laura said she was okay with this, it was obvious that she continually tried to take the friendship to a romantic level. This man wouldn’t respond to her advances and eventually my client settled into a platonic friendship….or did she? In reality, she still secretly wished that someday he would love her in the way she loved him. It was painful for her to know that he was dating other women. She just couldn’t accept the reality that a friendship was all there was between them. After some months of working together, Laura finally got it. She truly accepted this man and the relationship for what it was. This was only the first step. There was more work to do. Laura now needed to decide if she wanted to continue the friendship as is. She spent time reflecting on what the friendship meant to her. She thought about how she still loved him and how it still hurt knowing he was romantically involved with other women. She thought about her needs and if she could handle a friendship with this man feeling the way she did. In the end, Laura decided it was too hurtful for her to have this friendship. She was unable to change how she felt about him. She made a choice to end the friendship and explore other possibilities for love.
Now another person or another time might have a different outcome. Just because you’ve accepted something for what it is, doesn’t mean you’ll reject it. Someone else may have chosen to maintain the friendship. Someone else may have decided that the friendship worked as is. Either choice is fine. But either way, having chosen from a place of acceptance is a choice worth making.
So here’s my challenge for you. If you’re in a situation or relationship that is causing an upset, first look to see whether or not you are accepting what is. Next, see if you can let go of what you wish were real and truly accept what is. Lastly, reflect on what works and doesn’t work for you and make your choices from there. Remember, this process is not as simple as it sounds. Most things in life are not black and white. Furthermore, once you decide what is not working, there are even more choices to explore…..but more on that next time.
Stay with me and engage in this conversation. Your voice has an impact. What are your thoughts on this subject?
We want to know because….Your life matters!
Take care and till next time,
Julie
For More Information on Julie Orlov Consulting, visit www.julieorlov.com
To add your contact information to our database, go to www.julieorlov.com/contactus
Do You Feel Loved? The Treasure Lies Within
Hello Everyone:
I was taking a walk the other day and got lost within my own thoughts. I started thinking about love. All of us want to be loved. Feeling loved is great. But as I contemplated my own experiences of feeling love, several things became clear. Most of us believe that in order to feel loved, someone must love us. We believe that the source of feeling loved is dependent upon another. Therefore, if our “other” is not present, not loving, or not available, we react as if our source for love has been lost. I began to realize that as much as we would like to think that our experience of being loved is when we receive love from another, this may simply be untrue. Think about it. Do you experience feeling loved when someone loves you who you do not love in return? Where does this feeling of love come from – another or yourself? I reflected on moments when I have felt completely filled with love. Here is what I discovered.
My greatest moments of feeling loved have occurred when I felt love towards another, not the other way around. When I am present to the love I feel for my children, my friends, my romantic partner, my family, our humanity, my self, or life itself, is when I am replenished and full. It is through the expression of the love which already and always exists within us that feeling loved is found. This is not only available to us 24/7, it is fairly easy to access. Open up your heart completely, be fully present to what is, be compassion, kindness, and love. By doing so, the treasure is yours. You hold the universe in your hand and heart.
Now I know that this may sound too touchy feeling for some of you. For others, it’s not as simple as opening up your heart completely; all of us have built up some kind of internal security system in order to defend against injury or harm. It takes courage to let our defenses down long enough to be open and vulnerable. It takes practice to stop the “chatter” in our minds so that we can see the treasures that are ours for the taking. I believe the challenge is worth it. Once we understand that feeling loved has been available to us all along, we can click our heels and return home.
So next time you feel unloved, feel love for another. Be compassion, kindness and love for yourself. Connect to the humanity that binds us all. Discover the treasures that exist within us, not without.
Stay with me and engage in this conversation. Your voice has an impact. What are your thoughts on this subject?
We want to know because….Your life matters!
Take care and till next time,
Julie
For More Information on Julie Orlov Consulting, visit www.julieorlov.com
To add your contact information to our database, go to www.julieorlov.com/contactus
Do You Feel Loved? The Treasure Lies Within