What are we so afraid of?
Hello Everyone:
I was thinking more about the topic of resistance and in particular, our resistance to our own feelings. It’s funny. Our feelings (or emotions) are rather benign in nature. They are derived from hormones and the like in our mid brain. They have no solid form such as a knife or gun. They do not have the power to kill us. And yet, so many of us find them intolerable and frightening; something to avoid at all cost. It’s as if we have associated feelings with life threatening events. Painful feelings can trigger our survival instincts, our flight or fight response just as if we were being chased by a hungry tiger. So what is this all about? What are we so afraid of?
I believe that we have lost trust in our very nature, our very design. We have lost confidence in our ability to tolerate, manage, and move through what ever emotional response we are having. Maybe some of you feel you never developed a sense of competency in this area. Maybe some of you feel you never learned or acquired the necessary coping skills when it comes to handling your own emotions. Maybe this is true; maybe not. Either way, I believe we came naturally equipped. All we need to do is to let go and feel…., the feelings work themselves out just fine without any additional anything. There really isn’t much for us to do. We just need to trust the natural process.
Somehow we’ve developed a lot of unrest in this. You may be scared that once you feel bad, you’ll never feel good again. This would be akin to getting a cold and believing that you’ll feel sick or cold-like forever. When you use this analogy, it all seems quite silly. We’ve all been ill enough times with common ailments to develop some trust in our bodies that our bodies will fight off the infection and we will feel better in a matter of time. The same goes with our feelings. We’ve all felt hurt, sadness, humiliation, loss, fear, and depression at various times in our lives. And with the exception of those unique circumstances when outside intervention is needed, we know these feelings pass. We know that the emotions come and go. We know we come out the other end. We’ve just need to regain trust in our human design.
So next time you have an emotion that you would rather avoid, remember to trust your self. Let go, feel the feeling. Know that the feeling will pass. In time, your spirits will lift. Your only job is to take care of yourself in the process. Be kind, patient and compassionate. Do things that provide you comfort and healing, just like you do when you have a cold. Your body will take care of the rest. And above all, trust.
Stay with me and engage in this conversation. Your voice has an impact. What are your thoughts on this subject?
We want to know because….Your life matters!
Take care and till next time,
Julie
For More Information on Julie Orlov Consulting, visit www.julieorlov.com
To add your contact information to our database, go to www.julieorlov.com/contactus
The Law of Resistance
Hello Everyone:
Resistance can be seen everywhere in our lives. We resist something several times a day, 365 days a year. We naturally resist change, yes even change we seek out for ourselves, and yes, even change we see as positive. We resist feeling any kind of emotional discomfort or challenge. We resist personal growth and development even in spite of the fact that we are wired to do so. Just notice how children behave right before they have some kind of growth spurt (emotional, physical, or psychological). Children will regress just prior to taking a leap in their developmental growth. They will demonstrate behaviors from an earlier stage – for example, they may become clingier, may have more tantrums, or become more withdrawn depending on their coping style and temperament type. As adults we do the same thing, it’s just disguised in adult behaviors. Resistance may show up as being more tired, more obsessive, more demanding, more irritable, less available, etc. In essence, we humans never stop our innate rhythm of resisting and releasing, regressing and growing, hanging on to what is familiar and seeking change.
I believe the common denominator to all our resistance is fear. Fear is a very powerful motivator or de-motivator if you like. Fear is also a very powerful magnet. What we fear we resist, what we resist, we retain. It’s as simple as that. We cannot move through anything until we confront and release our resistance to it. And it is those things in which we resist the most that we have the most at stake. The bigger the resistance, the bigger the cost in holding on; conversely, the bigger the resistance, the bigger the rewards that awaits us on the other end.
I’ll share an example from my own life. During my divorce I wanted to keep my house. I initially resisted the idea of selling my house and moving my daughters to a new and unfamiliar neighborhood. I was in the midst of so much change and so much loss, that I couldn’t bear the idea of one more on the list. After some time and reflection (including looking at my financial situation more closely), I decided it was time to surrender. I let go of the resistance. I chose the loss. In doing so, something new became available. Space opened up. My fear no longer ran my life. As it turned out, selling the house was the best decision I could have made. I found a great house in a great neighborhood and created a new life. I was able to move forward.
This is a simple example of how the law of resistance works. As long as you are still in resistance, no movement is possible. You are stuck and on a one way ride to everything you are avoiding to begin with. Once you embrace that which you resist, including the resistance itself, anything is possible. So here’s my challenge to you. Look at your life. What are you resisting? What are you most frightened of? What areas of your life are not working? Now here’s where you need courage. Instead of resisting, embrace those things with everything you have. Move towards them. Surrender to them. Even if it feels uncomfortable, painful, or scary, envelope yourself in them. Let go of what you know or what you think you know and dive into the unknown. Discover what is now possible. Move forward. More than likely, things will not be as bad as you think they’ll be. Why? Because once we release our resistance, our fear dissolves, our lives expand, and we feel more alive.
Stay with me and engage in this conversation. Your voice has an impact. What are your thoughts on this subject?
We want to know because….Your life matters!
Take care and till next time,
Julie
For More Information on Julie Orlov Consulting, visit www.julieorlov.com
To add your contact information to our database, go to www.julieorlov.com/contactus
What to do when you need more, less, or different?
1. Once you know what isn’t working for you, get clear on what it is that you truly want or need. Take your time with this one. Come to terms with what is acceptable and what is not acceptable to you in your situation. At the end of this reflection, you should have a clear understanding of what you want, what you will accept, and what you cannot live with.
2. Next you’ll need to decide if you want to make a request for change or seek your needs and wants elsewhere. It is up to you to decide if you want to make the effort to request change. In the end, you may conclude that this option is not desirable, or maybe you have already made repeated requests for change with unsatisfactory results; thus, this option may now be exhausted. It is in this phase that we are usually hardest on ourselves. Sometimes we believe that we try too hard or too many times to make something work. Sometimes we retreat too quickly out of fear and feel like we gave up too easily. Regardless of where you fall on this continuum, be kind to yourself. No one is perfect. No one lets go of something or someone without struggle. No one is courageous all the time. Do the best you can. Remember, if you make a choice that is not in your best interest, the universe will give you another chance at another time. Our opportunities for learning never stop.
3. If you choose to make a request for change, do so in a direct, loving, and powerful way. This topic probably warrants a blog posting all its’ own, so stay tuned. If you choose to let go and get your needs met elsewhere, do this as well in a direct, loving, and powerful way (yes I know, another big topic, another posting).
4. Lastly, be true to yourself. Live your life fully. Don’t let your fears around what if’s stop you. Get present to what is….this is where your power lives.
Stay with me and engage in this conversation. Your voice has an impact. What are your thoughts on this subject?
We want to know because….Your life matters!
Take care and till next time,
Julie
For More Information on Julie Orlov Consulting, visit www.julieorlov.com
To add your contact information to our database, go to www.julieorlov.com/contactus
Acceptance Does Not Mean Yes
I realized the other day that I throw the word “accept and acceptance” out quite a bit. I thought it would be helpful to clarify what that word really means and what it doesn’t. Acceptance means you accept people and/or situations for what they are. It requires that you stop making attempts to change, control, or somehow manipulate a person or situation into being something different. Acceptance results in a letting go of what you wish something would be and replaces this with being at peace with what it. Of course, getting to the “at peace” part usually entails you first go through some sort of grieving process.
Acceptance does not mean that you are willing to allow a situation to continue nor does it mean that you are willing to continue a relationship. These choices are distinct from accepting someone or something as is. These choices relate to if and how your needs are getting met. These choices reflect your integrity with who you are and what you want. These choices reflect what behaviors from others you will tolerate or not. At the end of the day, you will decide what relationships and situations work for you. Furthermore, the most powerful decisions and choices come from accepting what is as opposed to what if’s.
Here’s an example. I was working with a client (I’ll call her Laura) who was in love with a man who only wanted to be her friend. Although Laura said she was okay with this, it was obvious that she continually tried to take the friendship to a romantic level. This man wouldn’t respond to her advances and eventually my client settled into a platonic friendship….or did she? In reality, she still secretly wished that someday he would love her in the way she loved him. It was painful for her to know that he was dating other women. She just couldn’t accept the reality that a friendship was all there was between them. After some months of working together, Laura finally got it. She truly accepted this man and the relationship for what it was. This was only the first step. There was more work to do. Laura now needed to decide if she wanted to continue the friendship as is. She spent time reflecting on what the friendship meant to her. She thought about how she still loved him and how it still hurt knowing he was romantically involved with other women. She thought about her needs and if she could handle a friendship with this man feeling the way she did. In the end, Laura decided it was too hurtful for her to have this friendship. She was unable to change how she felt about him. She made a choice to end the friendship and explore other possibilities for love.
Now another person or another time might have a different outcome. Just because you’ve accepted something for what it is, doesn’t mean you’ll reject it. Someone else may have chosen to maintain the friendship. Someone else may have decided that the friendship worked as is. Either choice is fine. But either way, having chosen from a place of acceptance is a choice worth making.
So here’s my challenge for you. If you’re in a situation or relationship that is causing an upset, first look to see whether or not you are accepting what is. Next, see if you can let go of what you wish were real and truly accept what is. Lastly, reflect on what works and doesn’t work for you and make your choices from there. Remember, this process is not as simple as it sounds. Most things in life are not black and white. Furthermore, once you decide what is not working, there are even more choices to explore…..but more on that next time.
Stay with me and engage in this conversation. Your voice has an impact. What are your thoughts on this subject?
We want to know because….Your life matters!
Take care and till next time,
Julie
For More Information on Julie Orlov Consulting, visit www.julieorlov.com
To add your contact information to our database, go to www.julieorlov.com/contactus
Giving Yourself Time to Grieve
Hello Everyone:
As we are meant to attach ourselves, so are we meant to grieve. Dealing with loss is hard. No matter what the circumstance, letting go requires a certain process to take place. Most of you are familiar with Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’ stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. People go through these stages in their own way in their own time frame. Each loss has its own unique process. It is important to give yourself the time you need and honor your own way of grieving.
I have worked with many clients over the years that have suffered the death of a loved one. Some need to be in mourning for months, others may need years. Regardless of the time it takes, what matters most is to eventually get through to the other side. This may mean that your life is defined in a new way. You may come out the other end with new insights and appreciations. You may find yourself approaching life differently.
Remember, what you do with your loss is up to you. Life will continue to give you challenges. How you approach those challenges is what makes you who you are. The choice is yours.
So here’s my question for you. Do you give yourself permission and time to grieve? How do you work through the stages of grief? What do you want for yourself and your life in having gone through the loss?
What are your thoughts on this subject?
We want to know because….Your life matters!
Take care and till next time,
Julie
Choosing Your Battles
Hello Everyone:
In discussing attachments, it is clear that we are inevitable attached to certain things. As a parent, I find myself attached to many things that relate to my children – are they dressed appropriately; are they developing good work habits; are they honest and reliable; do they keep their rooms clean and complete their chores, etc. For you parents out there, you know the list – you have one of your own. For those that are not parents, you have other relationships to which this applies and if nothing else, memories of your own childhood.
The question comes down to choosing what battles I want to fight. It is not only impossible to take on the entire list, but would cost me my sanity and health if I tried. Furthermore, and more importantly, it would cost me my relationship with my children or other significant people.
I have come to conclude there is no right list. This is a personal choice and a learning opportunity for everyone involved. I chose the battle of school performance and attitude with my oldest daughter as opposed to her manner of dress and cleanliness of her room. This is what made sense to me. For someone else, manner of dress will be worth the fight. Whatever the outcome, I believe what is important is to spend time in contemplation. What battles are worth it to you and why? Is it really possible to “win” in the end anyways? And with whom and at what cost? In the end, what resulted from engaging in battle? Looking back, was it worth it? How will it affect your choices in the future?
Taking the time to consider your options before a formal engagement will serve you well. You might conclude that somethings with some people truly are worth fighting for. You may find that what you thought you were attached to may not be so important after all. You may also discover that there are ways to declare your wants and needs without creating a power struggle. Hmmm.. another good topic for another time.
What are your thoughts on this subject?
We want to know because….Your life matters!
Take care and till next time,
Julie
The Other Side of Loss
Hello Everyone:
Since the topic of the month is attachment and letting go, I have been thinking back on the losses in my life and what was waiting for me on the other side. I know that some losses are easier than others. I know some of you have experienced horrific losses that you may never completely recover from. But the heart has an uncanny ability to heal even if sometimes this requires more time than we’d like. The nice thing about getting older is that you have more life experience to draw on in challenging times. I know from past experience that the grieving process is truly time limited. I know that while I may feel sad about letting go of something today, that I will not feel sad forever. I know that life is full of unexpected surprises and that new and wonderful things will come my way.
So the next time you work through a loss remember to embrace the moment. Try not to resist. Be willing to go within and learn something about yourself. Know that this moment is only this moment and nothing more. Look at it as a time to prepare yourself for the new, while letting go of what was. It is a reawakening and preparation for certain things to come. Looking back on the losses in my life, I can see the gifts. More often than not better things have come my way - better business opportunities, better relationships, and better life circumstances.
Think back on your life. What did you find on the other side of loss? What was waiting for you? What new and better things did you create out of letting go? Once you’ve found the gifts, remember them. Remind yourself of the other side of loss when it comes around again. Because…. it always will.
What are your thoughts on this subject?
We want to know because….Your life matters!
Take care and till next time,
Julie
The Upside of Attachments
Hello everyone:
While one can argue that there are benefits to releasing your attachments to how something should look, how someone should be, and so on, I think it is important for us to remember how important it is to be able to attach ourselves in the first place. We are hard wired to attach from birth. It is extremely important that we do so with our primary caregiver or caregivers. It is from our ability to attach to others that we develop our sense of self and eventually our sense of being separate from others. It is the foundation of human development. It is vital to the survival of our species. It is through our ability to attach to others that we help each other survive.
I personally attach to other people very quickly and easily. I love being connected and related to others. It’s no surprise that I am in the business of helping people and do so in a very authentic and intimate way. I believe this is a good thing, primarily because I also have clear boundaries in regards to who I am that is distinct from others. For instance, I know that I get frustrated when people do not follow through on what they said they will do. I also know that my oldest daughter does not. She is different from me. What is important to me may not be to her and vice versa. I know that when someone else is reacting to something, it probably has less to do with me and more to do with who they are and how they respond to certain behaviors and events. I can still be connected to others and separate who they are from myself. This may sound rather simple, but really it is not. We project our own “stuff” on to others all the time, but that’s a whole other topic for another day.
What I do struggle with is in the letting go of my connection with others. It is hard for me to let go of a relationship that is no longer working. I tend to work at it too long and too hard before I give up. I have gone through a divorce, let go of other romantic relationships, and lost some friendships along the way. Whether you have to let go of someone by choice, by circumstance, or by death, it is always hard to do. Some losses are worse than others; some people mean more to us than others; sometimes we may feel the loss for a very long time. A friend of mine was in a fairly chaotic relationship with a man with whom she had broken up and got back together several times. Each time she regretted getting back together as the same crazy dynamics occurred. She felt trapped. One day she told me how embarrassed she was that she continued to go back to this man that she knew was unable to have the kind of relationship she required. I told her that in all my years of counseling others, very few people were able to let go of their attachments quickly and painlessly. Some people were able to let go completely after round one or two; others could continue the cycle for an entire lifetime; and most fell somewhere in between.
So here’s my thoughts - While letting go can be hard, I am so grateful for the relationships I have had, even though in the end some of them may not have lasted for whatever reasons. Attaching yourself to others is good. However, it is equally important to know when it is necessary to detach and go through the grieving process. Both are a part of life.
So here’s my question for you. How easy or difficult is it for you to attach to others? Is it scary to become so vulnerable? How do you come to terms and know when it’s time to let go of another? How do you get through the grieving process?
What are your thoughts on this subject?
We want to know because….Your life matters!
Take care and till next time,
Julie
What are we really afraid of?
Hello everyone:
My guess is that by now you are becoming aware of just how attach you are to who you want people to be, your beliefs, ways of doing things, ways of being, etc. In reflecting on just how attached you are to these things, you may be starting to realize how resistant you are to letting go. Once we attach ourselves, we become fixated on how not to lose those very things to which we attach. We try to control and manipulate others; we hold on so tight even when holding on is detrimental to ourselves. Why do we do this? What are we really so afraid will happen if we let go?
When you think about it, the worst thing that can happen is experiencing a loss. Now I know that grieving and suffering is not fun. I know that sometimes staying with the familiar, no matter how bad the familiar might be, feels safer that the unknown. But at what cost? In the long run, holding on to something that no longer works for you is far more painful than going through temporary feelings of loss. Only by releasing something or someone are you able to create space for something new to emerge.
I worked with a man who was miserable with his job. He no longer liked the work he was doing and felt his manager was abusive and disrespectful. When I suggested that he explore how he might make a career change, he became very resistant. Instead of taking action to research some alternatives, he kept shifting our conversations back to how bad things were at work. There were several dynamics taking place. First, his identity and sense of security had been locked into his current position. Second, his fear of the unknown was paralyzing. And third, he had another attachment playing out in his life, that of being a “victim”. These are not easy forces to counteract. Most of our work revolved around addressing these issues and resistances. In the end, my client was able to take actions to get a different position within the same company. While he was doing similar work, he was in a much better environment with an effective and approachable manager. He was still unsatisfied with the type of work he was doing, but is continuing to chip away at his fears. Letting go does not necessarily happen overnight. It can be an on-going process; there is nothing wrong with that.
So here’s my question for you. What fears do you have in letting go of your attachments? What do you think is the worst thing that could happen and can you live with that? What possibilities exist for you in having let go of something or someone? What are your thoughts on this subject?
We want to know because….Your life matters!
Take care and till next time,
Julie
When do our attachments get in our way?
Welcome Everyone!
I’ve been doing my own reflecting on the various attachments that I have and how they impact my life. I like to think of myself as someone who doesn’t care that much about what people think of me, or at least to the extent that it doesn’t stop me in life. I’m beginning to realize that I want to be seen as a person who is empathic, caring, friendly, and very likable. In fact I am all those things, just not only those things all the time.
What I realize is that my attachment to how others seeing me encumbers my ability to set appropriate limits and boundaries in certain situations with certain people. In a nutshell, I end up tolerating too much from others and wait too long before taking action and setting needed limits.
A perfect case for illustration: I hired someone (I’ll call her Mary) to help me with some administrative work in my business. Mary called me on her first day of work to inform me that she would not be able to make it as she needed to help her Mother get to her doctor’s appointment. Wanting to be flexible and understanding, I told Mary that would be fine and we rescheduled for the next day. Mary did show up the next day, but I soon learned that she was not as proficient in her computer skills as she had indicated during our interview. I found myself having to learn the skills myself and train her as opposed to her training me. Over the next few weeks, I tolerated an unnecessary and very long learning curve. In addition, Mary continued to have many family “crises” that kept her from completing the project I had hired her to do. It was now taking weeks to complete a project that should have taken days. My frustration continued to rise as my attachment to being understanding, empathic, and liked quickly waned. Eventually I told Mary that she did not have the skills I needed and was clearly unable to complete the project in a timely manner. I cut my losses and let her go. In the end, I took care of business. What I learned from this experience (and many others just like it) is that I allow my attachment to how I want others to see me (and how I want to see myself) get in the way. I needed to let Mary go a long time before I actually did so. I was too patient and understanding when I needed to be more business like and accountable to myself and the project at hand.
As you can see from my own experience, attachments come in many different forms. There are attachments to outcomes, people, perceptions, principles, etc. Each attachment comes with its own benefits and costs. It is important for you to know your attachments and how they get in your way. By doing so, you can then proceed with choice. What I mean is that you get to choose your actions freely rather than have your attachments do the choosing for you. Think about it. My initial reactions and decisions were based on my attachment to how others see me. After circumstances led me to let go of this attachment, my later decisions and actions were based on what was best for the circumstances at hand. In essence, I reclaimed my freedom of choice. I reclaimed my power.
So here’s my question for you. What attachments keep you from setting appropriate limits and boundaries with others? When does your need for approval, love, whatever, get in the way of saying thanks, but no thank you? How long does it take before you are willing to let go of something in order to do what is best for you? What are your thoughts on this subject?
We want to know because….Your life matters!
Take care and till next time,
Julie