Romantic Love: Is it Truth or Fiction?
Hello Everyone:
We all know what it’s like to fall in love. It’s that wonderful feeling that goes with meeting someone you really like and to whom you have a chemical attraction. It’s the time when a relationship is pure potential. It’s when you’re floating on air while feeling butterflies in your stomach. It’s the first phase of the natural development of an intimate relationship.
During this time, it is normal for two people to idealize one another, focusing on those aspects of the other that make them feel good. It is also normal to fantasize about what is and will come to pass. How does this person feel about me? Will this relationship grow and it what way? You know the questions that go through your mind. It is during this phase of relationships that the greatest assumptions and hopes for the future are generated. This phase always occurs whether you fall hard or slowly make your way down the road of romantic love.
Over time, as two people get to know each other better, the illusion of who you want this person to be begins to fade into who they really are. You begin to separate out fact from fiction. You begin to look at one another’s actions, communicate expectations, and accept the limitations that exist. You begin to move into the next phase of relationships where the feeling of attachment stems from a more mature, honest, and realistic perspective of one another. This phase continues until the relationship stabilizes or dissolves.
In some cases, people get stuck in phase one. They develop what is referred to as the fantasy bond. It is called the fantasy bond because the individual in this dilemma develops a bond or attachment to the fantasy of a person or relationship, not the reality of who or what truly exists. They simply are unable to move on to the next phase of development. This occurs more readily under certain circumstances such as:
1) When two people are limited in contact, such as when they see each other very infrequently or have had an intense one or two time “encounter”.
2) When the ways that two people communicate and relate are more virtual than not, such as via email, chat rooms, text messaging, etc.
3) When someone is very fearful of real intimacy, but craves the idea of intimacy; in this case he/she may create a fantasy bond that does not require any real level of commitment.
4) When someone has a deep sense of emptiness and loneliness that is difficult to tolerate. For these individuals, it’s better to believe something exists that does not, rather than deal with the loss and emptiness that comes from accepting what truly is.
So how does one enjoy that wonderful experience of falling in love without getting trapped in a fantasy bond? The good news is that most of us will not have to worry. However, even the most mature level headed individuals are not completely immune. I’ve worked with some very intelligent and insightful individuals who at one point or another in their lifetime met someone who triggered an obsessive or fantasy bond. So just in case, here are some helpful hints to keep your head above water while navigating romantic love.
1) Remember that just because you feel a certain way about someone, does not mean it’s reciprocal. One person can experience an intense connection to another, who in turn, does not. Separate out your feelings from theirs.
2) There is no substitute for time when it comes to getting to know someone. Who you think someone is at the outset, is only a slice of who they are. You as well will not show all those aspects of who you are in the first phase of romantic love. Truly knowing someone takes a long time, if not a lifetime. Separate out who you want them to be (or not) from who they are.
3) Look to the behaviors and communications. Are they congruent with one another? Do they meet your needs? In the long run, it’s better to accept what is, even if this means the relationship is not real or right for you. By doing so, you free yourself to meet someone who can truly give you what you need.
4) See what you may be avoiding dealing with yourself? What lessons does this person and relationship offer you? What aspects of yourself or your life do you need to address? What are you contributing to the current situation?
Relationships are designed to challenge us. They are also designed to support, enrich, and fulfill us. Go fall in love. It’s worth the risk.
Stay with me and engage in this conversation. Your voice has an impact. What are your thoughts on this subject?
We want to know because….Your life matters!
Take care and till next time,
Julie
For More Information on Julie Orlov Consulting, visit www.julieorlov.com
To add your contact information to our database, go to www.julieorlov.com/contactus
Romantic Love: Is it Truth or Fiction?
Hello Everyone:
We all know what it’s like to fall in love. It’s that wonderful feeling that goes with meeting someone you really like and to whom you have a chemical attraction. It’s the time when a relationship is pure potential. It’s when you’re floating on air while feeling butterflies in your stomach. It’s the first phase of the natural development of an intimate relationship.
During this time, it is normal for two people to idealize one another, focusing on those aspects of the other that make them feel good. It is also normal to fantasize about what is and will come to pass. How does this person feel about me? Will this relationship grow and it what way? You know the questions that go through your mind. It is during this phase of relationships that the greatest assumptions and hopes for the future are generated. This phase always occurs whether you fall hard or slowly make your way down the road of romantic love.
Over time, as two people get to know each other better, the illusion of who you want this person to be begins to fade into who they really are. You begin to separate out fact from fiction. You begin to look at one another’s actions, communicate expectations, and accept the limitations that exist. You begin to move into the next phase of relationships where the feeling of attachment stems from a more mature, honest, and realistic perspective of one another. This phase continues until the relationship stabilizes or dissolves.
In some cases, people get stuck in phase one. They develop what is referred to as the fantasy bond. It is called the fantasy bond because the individual in this dilemma develops a bond or attachment to the fantasy of a person or relationship, not the reality of who or what truly exists. They simply are unable to move on to the next phase of development. This occurs more readily under certain circumstances such as:
1) When two people are limited in contact, such as when they see each other very infrequently or have had an intense one or two time “encounter”.
2) When the ways that two people communicate and relate are more virtual than not, such as via email, chat rooms, text messaging, etc.
3) When someone is very fearful of real intimacy, but craves the idea of intimacy; in this case he/she may create a fantasy bond that does not require any real level of commitment.
4) When someone has a deep sense of emptiness and loneliness that is difficult to tolerate. For these individuals, it’s better to believe something exists that does not, rather than deal with the loss and emptiness that comes from accepting what truly is.
So how does one enjoy that wonderful experience of falling in love without getting trapped in a fantasy bond? The good news is that most of us will not have to worry. However, even the most mature level headed individuals are not completely immune. I’ve worked with some very intelligent and insightful individuals who at one point or another in their lifetime met someone who triggered an obsessive or fantasy bond. So just in case, here are some helpful hints to keep your head above water while navigating romantic love.
1) Remember that just because you feel a certain way about someone, does not mean it’s reciprocal. One person can experience an intense connection to another, who in turn, does not. Separate out your feelings from theirs.
2) There is no substitute for time when it comes to getting to know someone. Who you think someone is at the outset, is only a slice of who they are. You as well will not show all those aspects of who you are in the first phase of romantic love. Truly knowing someone takes a long time, if not a lifetime. Separate out who you want them to be (or not) from who they are.
3) Look to the behaviors and communications. Are they congruent with one another? Do they meet your needs? In the long run, it’s better to accept what is, even if this means the relationship is not real or right for you. By doing so, you free yourself to meet someone who can truly give you what you need.
4) See what you may be avoiding dealing with yourself? What lessons does this person and relationship offer you? What aspects of yourself or your life do you need to address? What are you contributing to the current situation?
Relationships are designed to challenge us. They are also designed to support, enrich, and fulfill us. Go fall in love. It’s worth the risk.
Stay with me and engage in this conversation. Your voice has an impact. What are your thoughts on this subject?
We want to know because….Your life matters!
Take care and till next time,
Julie
For More Information on Julie Orlov Consulting, visit www.julieorlov.com
To add your contact information to our database, go to www.julieorlov.com/contactus
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