Romantic Love: Is it Truth or Fiction?
Hello Everyone:
We all know what it’s like to fall in love. It’s that wonderful feeling that goes with meeting someone you really like and to whom you have a chemical attraction. It’s the time when a relationship is pure potential. It’s when you’re floating on air while feeling butterflies in your stomach. It’s the first phase of the natural development of an intimate relationship.
During this time, it is normal for two people to idealize one another, focusing on those aspects of the other that make them feel good. It is also normal to fantasize about what is and will come to pass. How does this person feel about me? Will this relationship grow and it what way? You know the questions that go through your mind. It is during this phase of relationships that the greatest assumptions and hopes for the future are generated. This phase always occurs whether you fall hard or slowly make your way down the road of romantic love.
Over time, as two people get to know each other better, the illusion of who you want this person to be begins to fade into who they really are. You begin to separate out fact from fiction. You begin to look at one another’s actions, communicate expectations, and accept the limitations that exist. You begin to move into the next phase of relationships where the feeling of attachment stems from a more mature, honest, and realistic perspective of one another. This phase continues until the relationship stabilizes or dissolves.
In some cases, people get stuck in phase one. They develop what is referred to as the fantasy bond. It is called the fantasy bond because the individual in this dilemma develops a bond or attachment to the fantasy of a person or relationship, not the reality of who or what truly exists. They simply are unable to move on to the next phase of development. This occurs more readily under certain circumstances such as:
1) When two people are limited in contact, such as when they see each other very infrequently or have had an intense one or two time “encounter”.
2) When the ways that two people communicate and relate are more virtual than not, such as via email, chat rooms, text messaging, etc.
3) When someone is very fearful of real intimacy, but craves the idea of intimacy; in this case he/she may create a fantasy bond that does not require any real level of commitment.
4) When someone has a deep sense of emptiness and loneliness that is difficult to tolerate. For these individuals, it’s better to believe something exists that does not, rather than deal with the loss and emptiness that comes from accepting what truly is.
So how does one enjoy that wonderful experience of falling in love without getting trapped in a fantasy bond? The good news is that most of us will not have to worry. However, even the most mature level headed individuals are not completely immune. I’ve worked with some very intelligent and insightful individuals who at one point or another in their lifetime met someone who triggered an obsessive or fantasy bond. So just in case, here are some helpful hints to keep your head above water while navigating romantic love.
1) Remember that just because you feel a certain way about someone, does not mean it’s reciprocal. One person can experience an intense connection to another, who in turn, does not. Separate out your feelings from theirs.
2) There is no substitute for time when it comes to getting to know someone. Who you think someone is at the outset, is only a slice of who they are. You as well will not show all those aspects of who you are in the first phase of romantic love. Truly knowing someone takes a long time, if not a lifetime. Separate out who you want them to be (or not) from who they are.
3) Look to the behaviors and communications. Are they congruent with one another? Do they meet your needs? In the long run, it’s better to accept what is, even if this means the relationship is not real or right for you. By doing so, you free yourself to meet someone who can truly give you what you need.
4) See what you may be avoiding dealing with yourself? What lessons does this person and relationship offer you? What aspects of yourself or your life do you need to address? What are you contributing to the current situation?
Relationships are designed to challenge us. They are also designed to support, enrich, and fulfill us. Go fall in love. It’s worth the risk.
Stay with me and engage in this conversation. Your voice has an impact. What are your thoughts on this subject?
We want to know because….Your life matters!
Take care and till next time,
Julie
For More Information on Julie Orlov Consulting, visit www.julieorlov.com
To add your contact information to our database, go to www.julieorlov.com/contactus
The Art of Being
Hello Everyone:
Life seems to just get busier and busier. In the process of keeping up with all the demands, responsibilities and activities, we are in need of getting more done in less time. In essence, we must become expert doers. Fortunately or unfortunately, our culture prides itself on doing. We are taught from a very young age the art of doing. We learn to do our homework, do our chores, and do our sports, music, and art. We’ve even turned our children’s playtime into appointments that need to be made days in advance. As we make our way into adulthood, we continue to build our legacy of producing mechanisms. Many of us, myself included, thrive on making “to do” lists, crossing off those items completed each day with pride. Simply speaking, we have become doing machines. We’ve become so lost on the treadmill of doing that we’ve forgotten the art of being.
So what is the art of being? It’s really quite simple. It is a declaration of who you are, not what you do. For example, I can do great work, or I can be greatness. The first is limited to the actual piece of work that I am producing. This is not a bad thing, it’s just limiting. The second is unlimited – if I am being greatness, I bring greatness to everything I do and everywhere I go. We see this demonstrated all the time. Last month I attended a Thanksgiving Service where a woman sang. Her doing was singing a song about love. However, she was not simply doing; her being was pure love. That love was expressed in every note, every sound, every word; her entire being exuded love. What a different experience this would have been if she had only been singing a song about love, if she had only been doing.
Just think about yourself and I’m sure you can find many examples of when you’ve been doing as opposed to being. Think about doing a favor for someone. Maybe you can remember a time when you did a kind act. Maybe your heart was in it or maybe you did it out of obligation or guilt. Now think of a time when you were being kindness. How does that change the way you are in the world. How does that impact others and your acts of kindness? In the art of being, you can be whatever you want – courage, love, power, compassion, success, happiness, passion, whatever. How your being is expressed, is then up to you.
So here’s my challenge for you. Create balance for yourself and your life. Make sure you remember to be as well as do. First decide who it is you want to be. How do you want to walk around in this world? What essence do you want to hold and carry into everything you do? Then practice the art of being. If you are being excellence, bring excellence into every encounter. Breathe excellence in and out of your body. Focus more on the being rather than the doing and the doing will take care of itself. Try it and see what miracles unfold.
Stay with me and engage in this conversation. Your voice has an impact. What are your thoughts on this subject?
We want to know because….Your life matters!
Take care and till next time,
Julie
For More Information on Julie Orlov Consulting, visit www.julieorlov.com
To add your contact information to our database, go to www.julieorlov.com/contactus
Lessons from Costa Rica
Hello Everyone:
I just returned from a two-week vacation in
He explained to us that he had spent a year living in the
So what was it that I found so profound in this one man’s story? At first glance, the story is fairly simple. Young man ventures out to
There are several possibilities. First, a timely reminder that happiness is not found in your wallet. Mind you, I am a firm believer that one can have money in their pocket and be happy at the same time, but they are certainly not interdependent. At a time when American consumerism and materialism is at an all time high (given the amount of money that will be spent this year on holiday gifts alone), maybe we all need a friendly reminder of what really counts….. Being with the people we love, connecting with family, making a contribution, and living in a place and in a manner that feels like “home”.
Second, sometimes we need to leave home in order to appreciate what home means to us. I mean this literally as well as figuratively. We tend to take things for granted fairly quickly – people, circumstances, health, jobs, etc. It’s always helpful to take some sort of “vacation” away from what is familiar to us in order to gain perspective and appreciation from a distance. This of course can result in seeing what doesn’t work for us as well as what does.
Third, it may not be as important where you live, but who you are while living there. I believe it was not
Lastly, sometimes, simple is better; less is more.
(I think I’ll practice what I preach and add no more)
So here’s my challenge for you. Reflect on what is truly important to you. See how “rich” your life is at this very moment. Ask yourself where your happiness is found. What is your definition of “home”? When was the last time you created some distance in order to look at your life from different perspectives? What did you discover in the process? Pay attention to those people or situations that bring out the best in you, or the worst in you. Consider the lessons they are offering. How do you want to respond?
I know, a lot to consider. Funny how there can be so many lessons in one simple story. Funny how just one young man working at a front desk in a hotel in Costa Rica sharing one simple story can have such an impact. You are no different; your stories count.
Stay with me and engage in this conversation. Your voice has an impact. What are your thoughts on this subject?
We want to know because….Your life matters!
Take care and till next time,
Julie
For More Information on Julie Orlov Consulting, visit www.julieorlov.com
To add your contact information to our database, go to www.julieorlov.com/contactus