Acceptance Does Not Mean Yes
I realized the other day that I throw the word “accept and acceptance” out quite a bit. I thought it would be helpful to clarify what that word really means and what it doesn’t. Acceptance means you accept people and/or situations for what they are. It requires that you stop making attempts to change, control, or somehow manipulate a person or situation into being something different. Acceptance results in a letting go of what you wish something would be and replaces this with being at peace with what it. Of course, getting to the “at peace” part usually entails you first go through some sort of grieving process.
Acceptance does not mean that you are willing to allow a situation to continue nor does it mean that you are willing to continue a relationship. These choices are distinct from accepting someone or something as is. These choices relate to if and how your needs are getting met. These choices reflect your integrity with who you are and what you want. These choices reflect what behaviors from others you will tolerate or not. At the end of the day, you will decide what relationships and situations work for you. Furthermore, the most powerful decisions and choices come from accepting what is as opposed to what if’s.
Here’s an example. I was working with a client (I’ll call her Laura) who was in love with a man who only wanted to be her friend. Although Laura said she was okay with this, it was obvious that she continually tried to take the friendship to a romantic level. This man wouldn’t respond to her advances and eventually my client settled into a platonic friendship….or did she? In reality, she still secretly wished that someday he would love her in the way she loved him. It was painful for her to know that he was dating other women. She just couldn’t accept the reality that a friendship was all there was between them. After some months of working together, Laura finally got it. She truly accepted this man and the relationship for what it was. This was only the first step. There was more work to do. Laura now needed to decide if she wanted to continue the friendship as is. She spent time reflecting on what the friendship meant to her. She thought about how she still loved him and how it still hurt knowing he was romantically involved with other women. She thought about her needs and if she could handle a friendship with this man feeling the way she did. In the end, Laura decided it was too hurtful for her to have this friendship. She was unable to change how she felt about him. She made a choice to end the friendship and explore other possibilities for love.
Now another person or another time might have a different outcome. Just because you’ve accepted something for what it is, doesn’t mean you’ll reject it. Someone else may have chosen to maintain the friendship. Someone else may have decided that the friendship worked as is. Either choice is fine. But either way, having chosen from a place of acceptance is a choice worth making.
So here’s my challenge for you. If you’re in a situation or relationship that is causing an upset, first look to see whether or not you are accepting what is. Next, see if you can let go of what you wish were real and truly accept what is. Lastly, reflect on what works and doesn’t work for you and make your choices from there. Remember, this process is not as simple as it sounds. Most things in life are not black and white. Furthermore, once you decide what is not working, there are even more choices to explore…..but more on that next time.
Stay with me and engage in this conversation. Your voice has an impact. What are your thoughts on this subject?
We want to know because….Your life matters!
Take care and till next time,
Julie
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