What are we so afraid of?
Hello Everyone:
I was thinking more about the topic of resistance and in particular, our resistance to our own feelings. It’s funny. Our feelings (or emotions) are rather benign in nature. They are derived from hormones and the like in our mid brain. They have no solid form such as a knife or gun. They do not have the power to kill us. And yet, so many of us find them intolerable and frightening; something to avoid at all cost. It’s as if we have associated feelings with life threatening events. Painful feelings can trigger our survival instincts, our flight or fight response just as if we were being chased by a hungry tiger. So what is this all about? What are we so afraid of?
I believe that we have lost trust in our very nature, our very design. We have lost confidence in our ability to tolerate, manage, and move through what ever emotional response we are having. Maybe some of you feel you never developed a sense of competency in this area. Maybe some of you feel you never learned or acquired the necessary coping skills when it comes to handling your own emotions. Maybe this is true; maybe not. Either way, I believe we came naturally equipped. All we need to do is to let go and feel…., the feelings work themselves out just fine without any additional anything. There really isn’t much for us to do. We just need to trust the natural process.
Somehow we’ve developed a lot of unrest in this. You may be scared that once you feel bad, you’ll never feel good again. This would be akin to getting a cold and believing that you’ll feel sick or cold-like forever. When you use this analogy, it all seems quite silly. We’ve all been ill enough times with common ailments to develop some trust in our bodies that our bodies will fight off the infection and we will feel better in a matter of time. The same goes with our feelings. We’ve all felt hurt, sadness, humiliation, loss, fear, and depression at various times in our lives. And with the exception of those unique circumstances when outside intervention is needed, we know these feelings pass. We know that the emotions come and go. We know we come out the other end. We’ve just need to regain trust in our human design.
So next time you have an emotion that you would rather avoid, remember to trust your self. Let go, feel the feeling. Know that the feeling will pass. In time, your spirits will lift. Your only job is to take care of yourself in the process. Be kind, patient and compassionate. Do things that provide you comfort and healing, just like you do when you have a cold. Your body will take care of the rest. And above all, trust.
Stay with me and engage in this conversation. Your voice has an impact. What are your thoughts on this subject?
We want to know because….Your life matters!
Take care and till next time,
Julie
For More Information on Julie Orlov Consulting, visit www.julieorlov.com
To add your contact information to our database, go to www.julieorlov.com/contactus
The Law of Resistance
Hello Everyone:
Resistance can be seen everywhere in our lives. We resist something several times a day, 365 days a year. We naturally resist change, yes even change we seek out for ourselves, and yes, even change we see as positive. We resist feeling any kind of emotional discomfort or challenge. We resist personal growth and development even in spite of the fact that we are wired to do so. Just notice how children behave right before they have some kind of growth spurt (emotional, physical, or psychological). Children will regress just prior to taking a leap in their developmental growth. They will demonstrate behaviors from an earlier stage – for example, they may become clingier, may have more tantrums, or become more withdrawn depending on their coping style and temperament type. As adults we do the same thing, it’s just disguised in adult behaviors. Resistance may show up as being more tired, more obsessive, more demanding, more irritable, less available, etc. In essence, we humans never stop our innate rhythm of resisting and releasing, regressing and growing, hanging on to what is familiar and seeking change.
I believe the common denominator to all our resistance is fear. Fear is a very powerful motivator or de-motivator if you like. Fear is also a very powerful magnet. What we fear we resist, what we resist, we retain. It’s as simple as that. We cannot move through anything until we confront and release our resistance to it. And it is those things in which we resist the most that we have the most at stake. The bigger the resistance, the bigger the cost in holding on; conversely, the bigger the resistance, the bigger the rewards that awaits us on the other end.
I’ll share an example from my own life. During my divorce I wanted to keep my house. I initially resisted the idea of selling my house and moving my daughters to a new and unfamiliar neighborhood. I was in the midst of so much change and so much loss, that I couldn’t bear the idea of one more on the list. After some time and reflection (including looking at my financial situation more closely), I decided it was time to surrender. I let go of the resistance. I chose the loss. In doing so, something new became available. Space opened up. My fear no longer ran my life. As it turned out, selling the house was the best decision I could have made. I found a great house in a great neighborhood and created a new life. I was able to move forward.
This is a simple example of how the law of resistance works. As long as you are still in resistance, no movement is possible. You are stuck and on a one way ride to everything you are avoiding to begin with. Once you embrace that which you resist, including the resistance itself, anything is possible. So here’s my challenge to you. Look at your life. What are you resisting? What are you most frightened of? What areas of your life are not working? Now here’s where you need courage. Instead of resisting, embrace those things with everything you have. Move towards them. Surrender to them. Even if it feels uncomfortable, painful, or scary, envelope yourself in them. Let go of what you know or what you think you know and dive into the unknown. Discover what is now possible. Move forward. More than likely, things will not be as bad as you think they’ll be. Why? Because once we release our resistance, our fear dissolves, our lives expand, and we feel more alive.
Stay with me and engage in this conversation. Your voice has an impact. What are your thoughts on this subject?
We want to know because….Your life matters!
Take care and till next time,
Julie
For More Information on Julie Orlov Consulting, visit www.julieorlov.com
To add your contact information to our database, go to www.julieorlov.com/contactus
What to do when you need more, less, or different?
1. Once you know what isn’t working for you, get clear on what it is that you truly want or need. Take your time with this one. Come to terms with what is acceptable and what is not acceptable to you in your situation. At the end of this reflection, you should have a clear understanding of what you want, what you will accept, and what you cannot live with.
2. Next you’ll need to decide if you want to make a request for change or seek your needs and wants elsewhere. It is up to you to decide if you want to make the effort to request change. In the end, you may conclude that this option is not desirable, or maybe you have already made repeated requests for change with unsatisfactory results; thus, this option may now be exhausted. It is in this phase that we are usually hardest on ourselves. Sometimes we believe that we try too hard or too many times to make something work. Sometimes we retreat too quickly out of fear and feel like we gave up too easily. Regardless of where you fall on this continuum, be kind to yourself. No one is perfect. No one lets go of something or someone without struggle. No one is courageous all the time. Do the best you can. Remember, if you make a choice that is not in your best interest, the universe will give you another chance at another time. Our opportunities for learning never stop.
3. If you choose to make a request for change, do so in a direct, loving, and powerful way. This topic probably warrants a blog posting all its’ own, so stay tuned. If you choose to let go and get your needs met elsewhere, do this as well in a direct, loving, and powerful way (yes I know, another big topic, another posting).
4. Lastly, be true to yourself. Live your life fully. Don’t let your fears around what if’s stop you. Get present to what is….this is where your power lives.
Stay with me and engage in this conversation. Your voice has an impact. What are your thoughts on this subject?
We want to know because….Your life matters!
Take care and till next time,
Julie
For More Information on Julie Orlov Consulting, visit www.julieorlov.com
To add your contact information to our database, go to www.julieorlov.com/contactus
Acceptance Does Not Mean Yes
I realized the other day that I throw the word “accept and acceptance” out quite a bit. I thought it would be helpful to clarify what that word really means and what it doesn’t. Acceptance means you accept people and/or situations for what they are. It requires that you stop making attempts to change, control, or somehow manipulate a person or situation into being something different. Acceptance results in a letting go of what you wish something would be and replaces this with being at peace with what it. Of course, getting to the “at peace” part usually entails you first go through some sort of grieving process.
Acceptance does not mean that you are willing to allow a situation to continue nor does it mean that you are willing to continue a relationship. These choices are distinct from accepting someone or something as is. These choices relate to if and how your needs are getting met. These choices reflect your integrity with who you are and what you want. These choices reflect what behaviors from others you will tolerate or not. At the end of the day, you will decide what relationships and situations work for you. Furthermore, the most powerful decisions and choices come from accepting what is as opposed to what if’s.
Here’s an example. I was working with a client (I’ll call her Laura) who was in love with a man who only wanted to be her friend. Although Laura said she was okay with this, it was obvious that she continually tried to take the friendship to a romantic level. This man wouldn’t respond to her advances and eventually my client settled into a platonic friendship….or did she? In reality, she still secretly wished that someday he would love her in the way she loved him. It was painful for her to know that he was dating other women. She just couldn’t accept the reality that a friendship was all there was between them. After some months of working together, Laura finally got it. She truly accepted this man and the relationship for what it was. This was only the first step. There was more work to do. Laura now needed to decide if she wanted to continue the friendship as is. She spent time reflecting on what the friendship meant to her. She thought about how she still loved him and how it still hurt knowing he was romantically involved with other women. She thought about her needs and if she could handle a friendship with this man feeling the way she did. In the end, Laura decided it was too hurtful for her to have this friendship. She was unable to change how she felt about him. She made a choice to end the friendship and explore other possibilities for love.
Now another person or another time might have a different outcome. Just because you’ve accepted something for what it is, doesn’t mean you’ll reject it. Someone else may have chosen to maintain the friendship. Someone else may have decided that the friendship worked as is. Either choice is fine. But either way, having chosen from a place of acceptance is a choice worth making.
So here’s my challenge for you. If you’re in a situation or relationship that is causing an upset, first look to see whether or not you are accepting what is. Next, see if you can let go of what you wish were real and truly accept what is. Lastly, reflect on what works and doesn’t work for you and make your choices from there. Remember, this process is not as simple as it sounds. Most things in life are not black and white. Furthermore, once you decide what is not working, there are even more choices to explore…..but more on that next time.
Stay with me and engage in this conversation. Your voice has an impact. What are your thoughts on this subject?
We want to know because….Your life matters!
Take care and till next time,
Julie
For More Information on Julie Orlov Consulting, visit www.julieorlov.com
To add your contact information to our database, go to www.julieorlov.com/contactus
Do You Feel Loved? The Treasure Lies Within
Hello Everyone:
I was taking a walk the other day and got lost within my own thoughts. I started thinking about love. All of us want to be loved. Feeling loved is great. But as I contemplated my own experiences of feeling love, several things became clear. Most of us believe that in order to feel loved, someone must love us. We believe that the source of feeling loved is dependent upon another. Therefore, if our “other” is not present, not loving, or not available, we react as if our source for love has been lost. I began to realize that as much as we would like to think that our experience of being loved is when we receive love from another, this may simply be untrue. Think about it. Do you experience feeling loved when someone loves you who you do not love in return? Where does this feeling of love come from – another or yourself? I reflected on moments when I have felt completely filled with love. Here is what I discovered.
My greatest moments of feeling loved have occurred when I felt love towards another, not the other way around. When I am present to the love I feel for my children, my friends, my romantic partner, my family, our humanity, my self, or life itself, is when I am replenished and full. It is through the expression of the love which already and always exists within us that feeling loved is found. This is not only available to us 24/7, it is fairly easy to access. Open up your heart completely, be fully present to what is, be compassion, kindness, and love. By doing so, the treasure is yours. You hold the universe in your hand and heart.
Now I know that this may sound too touchy feeling for some of you. For others, it’s not as simple as opening up your heart completely; all of us have built up some kind of internal security system in order to defend against injury or harm. It takes courage to let our defenses down long enough to be open and vulnerable. It takes practice to stop the “chatter” in our minds so that we can see the treasures that are ours for the taking. I believe the challenge is worth it. Once we understand that feeling loved has been available to us all along, we can click our heels and return home.
So next time you feel unloved, feel love for another. Be compassion, kindness and love for yourself. Connect to the humanity that binds us all. Discover the treasures that exist within us, not without.
Stay with me and engage in this conversation. Your voice has an impact. What are your thoughts on this subject?
We want to know because….Your life matters!
Take care and till next time,
Julie
For More Information on Julie Orlov Consulting, visit www.julieorlov.com
To add your contact information to our database, go to www.julieorlov.com/contactus
Do You Feel Loved? The Treasure Lies Within
What is Your Natural Rhythm?
Hello Everyone:
I woke up yesterday feeling tired. I knew that I needed to get some rest. I also knew that I needed to retreat more into myself and be less out there in the world.
Everyone has their own rhythm, their own natural cycle so to speak. For me, I compare mine to that of a sprinter. I have strong bursts of energy and productivity. During this phase of my natural cycle, I generate results and live visibly and actively in the world. At some point, my energies will shift. It will be time for me to be more still and silent. Instead of expressing myself in a very extroverted way, I take the time to be more introverted. In this space, I re-energize and integrate all that has occurred. The time spent is either of those phases varies. Sometimes my burst will last a long time and my need to retreat is short-lived. At other times I may need more time to re-energize. This probably depends on a lot of factors, including stress level, workload, family needs, health, attitude, etc.
Most of you will be able to identify your natural rhythm with ease. You may be a sprinter, a long distance runner, or a leisurely walker. You know how your energies shift. We get into trouble when we ignore our bodies’ signals that tell us when we need to shift into a different gear. We can get stuck in one phase of our cycle. By becoming aware of when we need to shift, we can do so with more ease. We can honor our natural rhythm without frustration or judgment. We can become better caregivers to ourselves.
So here are my questions for you. What is your natural rhythm? Are you aware of when you need to take in energy, generate energy, or give out energy? Do you check in with yourself regularly to determine if you need to shift gears? How do you react when you naturally shift into another phase? See if you can become more conscious of your natural rhythm. By doing so, what becomes possible? How are you able to take better care of yourself and others?
Stay with me and engage in this conversation. Your voice has an impact. What are your thoughts on this subject?
We want to know because….Your life matters!
Take care and till next time,
Julie
For More Information on Julie Orlov Consulting, visit www.julieorlov.com
To add your contact information to our database, go to www.julieorlov.com/contactus