Who Owns the Relationship Problems?
Hello Everyone:
The hardest thing to sort out when dealing with relationship issues is figuring out who is responsible for what part of the problems. Remember, there are always three components occurring within each relationship – person A, person B, and the dynamics that are formed from the interaction of those two individuals. What challenges most people is trying to sort out what part of the problem do they own versus what part of the problem does the other own. A lot of energy is spent over this allocation of responsibility. People will rally their friends and family to support their view of things. People spend enormous amounts of energy analyzing why they and the people in their lives do the things they do.
Although this may seem a bit strange coming from a therapist, as my job is to help people answer just those types of inquiries, after 20 years of on the job training, I’m not so sure how helpful it is to focus on that question. After all, it is impossible to precisely break down just what percentage each person contributes to a specific dynamic. Insights into yourself and others are valuable. It helps separate out what is truly occurring from what is being projecting onto a situation. However, that is only a first step. I’d like to suggest another moving on to another approach.
What would happen if you took full responsibility for what is occurring within your relationships? I’m not suggesting that you take responsibility over another’s actions, only that you approach your relationships from this vantage point. Because in reality, you really only have control over what you bring to them. Let me offer an example. Christine works for a man whom she claims speaks to her in an abusive manner. She has spent many hours complaining to her friends who validate her role as victim in the situation. Some encourage her to quit her job, others strategize on how to change, punish, or avoid her boss. In either case, most of the energy is focused on what her boss is doing wrong, not on how Christine can take full responsibility for her own relationships. Here’s how that might look. Christine needs to take a look at how she creates and reinforces these types of interactions. How does she react when her boss talks to her in an unacceptable way; how, or if, does she set limits; how does she carry herself in the workplace; what unconscious expectations does her boss fill – in other words, does she go through life believing that people will treat her in a disrespectful manner?
Once Christine shifts the focus onto herself, she reclaims her power. She is no longer a passive participant in her relationships and in her life. She can create what she needs in her relationship with her boss. She can set new limits, communicate strongly and effectively, or ultimately, choose to leave a situation that does not meet her needs. Whatever her choosing, it will be done from a position of power, not victim.
So here’s my challenge for you. Next time you find yourself trying to figure out who really is the crazy one in the relationship, stop. Instead, assume that you are ultimately fully responsible for how you experience your relationships with others. Then take a look at what you need to do in order to create the relationships you want. This may include communicating your needs and wants, setting limits and boundaries, giving more of yourself, listening, accepting, or even letting go. Try it on and let us know how it goes.
What are your thoughts on this subject?
We want to know because….Your life matters!
Take care and till next time,
Julie
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