Julie Orlov’s “Your Life Matters”

Your Needs or Mine?

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• Author: Julie
• August 22, 2007
• Category: Relationships

Hello Everyone:

There are two sets of needs in every relationship - yours and theirs. Sometimes you’ll get lucky; both parties’ needs are compatible and easily met at the same time. However, more often than not you and your other will have different needs that require different levels of attention. What’s worse is when you both have equally valid and urgent needs that are in total opposition to one another. It is in these moments that your relationships are defined.

There are several ways to approach conflicting needs.

• You can fight to get your needs met at the expense of the other.
• You can work to satisfy the other’s needs and let go of your own.
• You can find a compromise and try to meet both needs in some fashion.
• You can create a win-win where both needs get met.
• You can create a lose-lose where no one’s needs get met.

Here’s a simple story to illustrate how this can work. I was driving back to Los Angeles from being out of town and heading to a friend’s house. We had plans to attend a dinner meeting that night. I called my friend to tell him that I was on my way and would arrive within a certain time frame as I did not know what the traffic would be like. He responded by requesting that I not arrive any earlier than we had planned as he needed the time to finish up some tasks and decompress from his day. I on the other hand was tired and knew I too needed to decompress from my day as well as change my clothes into more appropriate attire for the evening’s event. My first reaction was to be annoyed that my friend did not understand that I had needs as well that did not include “killing” time if I arrived earlier than expected. I tried to contain my annoyance and told him on the phone that I would try to give him as much time as possible, but that if I arrived ten minutes earlier, I needed to have access to his home in order to take care of what I needed to do. As I got closer to my destination, I processed my initial reaction. Here is what I considered and where I eventually landed:

I found it interesting that my first reaction was an “either/or” response. Either my friend was going to get his needs met or I was going to get my needs met. My knee jerk reaction was to fight to get mine met. I then took the time to understand the world I was walking into. In other words, I was able to consider what the day had been like for my friend and why he made his request in the first place. I also considered that he was not fully aware of what my day had been like and why I had my own agenda. Once I got into my friend’s world and frame of mind, I no longer resented his request and decided that if I arrived earlier, I would find something to do and give him his time. I then moved into how I could reframe that time for myself (as I did arrive early) and chose to take a nice walk, decompressing in a different way and possibly a better way given how much time I had just spent sitting in a car. Lastly, I realized that there really was no reason why both our needs couldn’t get met. I waited until our agreed upon time. I requested some time to shower and change so that I would feel better before leaving for our meeting. I knew that if we called beforehand and arrived a few minutes late to the dinner meeting that it would work for the situation at hand. I realized that there was room for everyone’s needs to get met. I went from “your needs or mine” to “both your needs and mine”. While this may not always be possible, I guarantee you that by approaching your relationships from this perspective you will generate more positive results. And just like my simple story illustrates, sometimes it takes a car ride to get there!

So here are my questions for you. What is your default reaction to conflicting needs? Do you automatically fight for yours? Do you automatically accommodate the other’s? Are you able to get into another’s world and understand what their needs are all about? Can you move from one approach to another in order to see what approach fits best for the current situation?

What are your thoughts on this subject?

We want to know because….Your life matters!

Take care and till next time,

Julie

www.julieorlov.com

 

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