Protecting the “I”, Embracing the “We”
Hello Everyone:
I thought it would be interesting to talk about our need for personal space. This need becomes most apparent within the context of relationships. Some people need a lot of alone time and freedom to act and be independent of another. Other people like to be engaged with another a lot of the time. Everyone has their own personal comfort zone for when they need to protect the “I” from the “We” that is created in relationships.
Challenges will typically arise when there is a significant difference between two people’s need for personal space. One person likes to be very involved with the other and needs very little time apart. The other person likes to be very independent and needs a lot of time apart. It is not uncommon to find that two people in a relationship will have different needs when it comes to honoring the “I” versus the “We”. The fact that there are differences is not really the problem. It is how you work with those differences that determine the impact.
For example, a friend of mine was dating a man who wanted to spend all his free time with her and her children. He did not like doing things on his own, preferring to operate as a “We” more than an “I” within the context of this relationship. On the other hand, my friend was busy raising small children, had a demanding job, and was feeling like she didn’t have enough time for herself. The more her date pursued time together, the more my friend retreated. She experienced him as smothering and needy; he experienced her as rejecting and selfish. You can probably guess how things progressed. Each person became more polarized in their attempts to get their needs met.
So how could these two people make this relationship work given the different levels of need for time apart and together? The first thing they needed to do was to not make each other wrong. There is nothing wrong with the person who needs a lot of space. There is equally nothing wrong with wanting a lot of togetherness. It was their reactivity to one another that got them into trouble. On a practical level, my friend and her date could simply negotiate time in a way that best meets both their needs. On another level, they could both take a deeper look into themselves, inquiring into what they fear will happen if they lose their respective needs for the “I” versus the “We”.
So let’s explore this dynamic together. Here are my questions for you. How much space do you need in a relationship? How do you differentiate your sense of being a separate person from your sense of being part of a couple? How do you react when you feel your boundaries are being invaded? How do you go about getting your needs met in this area? How do you deal with the different level of needs between you and your significant other? I know I’ve given you a lot to consider. Take your time, we’ll continue with this topic for awhile longer. In the meantime….
What are your thoughts on this subject?
We want to know because….Your life matters!
Take care and till next time,
Julie
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