Moving Past Being Right
Hello Everyone:
Now that you’re aware of how much of your conversations are about being right, the next logical question is what do I do instead? If you’re willing to give up being right, I promise you, there is a whole world out there waiting for you. The access to this world is through the act of listening. I mean truly listening. I don’t mean listening through the filter of deciding how much you agree or disagree with what the other person is saying; or thinking about what you’ll say next; or thinking about how much laundry there is to do; or……fill in the blank. Real listening entails putting aside you - your thoughts, interpretations, judgments, etc. long enough to get into another’s world. Your job is to understand the feelings, perspectives, reactions, wants and needs of the person to which you are relating.
If we use the scenario in the last posting on Mary and Bill, this is how the listening would be. Mary would understand that it is hard for Bill to switch gears easily from one task to another until each task is complete. She would hear Bill explain that he felt his career goals would be jeopardized by leaving work early as planned and that his identity as a man was connected to professional success and recognition. He felt he did the right thing by being in communication about the delays and really needed Mary’s understanding and support, not criticism and anger.
Bill would understand that Mary easily feels rejected and abandoned due to her early childhood experiences when her father would repeatedly say he’d take her somewhere and never follow through. He would understand that she made adjustments to accommodate him that put her own job at risk and wished he were willing or able to do the same for her. Mary was stressed out as well and it didn’t help that it was cold at the beach. Lastly, Bill would hear that it wasn’t just this one incident that triggered her reaction; it was a common occurrence and one that made Mary feel unimportant and uncared for. In the end, Mary just wanted to feel more considered and important.
Now, if both Mary and Bill really listened and let each other know that they understood where the other was coming from, the conversation would have a very different result. They would have both felt understood, acknowledged, supported, and loved. How’s that for just one short conversation.
So here’s my request for you. It’s really an opportunity. The next time you notice yourself engaging in a debate about who is right, STOP. Then put your concerns aside and listen to those of the other person. Really listen and let them know that you “get it”. See what happens next. Look for what is now possible. Maybe we should all adopt the old safety rule - STOP, LOOK, and LISTEN.
What are your thoughts on this subject?
We want to know because….Your life matters!
Take care and till next time,
Julie
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