Who Owns the Relationship Problems?
Hello Everyone:
The hardest thing to sort out when dealing with relationship issues is figuring out who is responsible for what part of the problems. Remember, there are always three components occurring within each relationship – person A, person B, and the dynamics that are formed from the interaction of those two individuals. What challenges most people is trying to sort out what part of the problem do they own versus what part of the problem does the other own. A lot of energy is spent over this allocation of responsibility. People will rally their friends and family to support their view of things. People spend enormous amounts of energy analyzing why they and the people in their lives do the things they do.
Although this may seem a bit strange coming from a therapist, as my job is to help people answer just those types of inquiries, after 20 years of on the job training, I’m not so sure how helpful it is to focus on that question. After all, it is impossible to precisely break down just what percentage each person contributes to a specific dynamic. Insights into yourself and others are valuable. It helps separate out what is truly occurring from what is being projecting onto a situation. However, that is only a first step. I’d like to suggest another moving on to another approach.
What would happen if you took full responsibility for what is occurring within your relationships? I’m not suggesting that you take responsibility over another’s actions, only that you approach your relationships from this vantage point. Because in reality, you really only have control over what you bring to them. Let me offer an example. Christine works for a man whom she claims speaks to her in an abusive manner. She has spent many hours complaining to her friends who validate her role as victim in the situation. Some encourage her to quit her job, others strategize on how to change, punish, or avoid her boss. In either case, most of the energy is focused on what her boss is doing wrong, not on how Christine can take full responsibility for her own relationships. Here’s how that might look. Christine needs to take a look at how she creates and reinforces these types of interactions. How does she react when her boss talks to her in an unacceptable way; how, or if, does she set limits; how does she carry herself in the workplace; what unconscious expectations does her boss fill – in other words, does she go through life believing that people will treat her in a disrespectful manner?
Once Christine shifts the focus onto herself, she reclaims her power. She is no longer a passive participant in her relationships and in her life. She can create what she needs in her relationship with her boss. She can set new limits, communicate strongly and effectively, or ultimately, choose to leave a situation that does not meet her needs. Whatever her choosing, it will be done from a position of power, not victim.
So here’s my challenge for you. Next time you find yourself trying to figure out who really is the crazy one in the relationship, stop. Instead, assume that you are ultimately fully responsible for how you experience your relationships with others. Then take a look at what you need to do in order to create the relationships you want. This may include communicating your needs and wants, setting limits and boundaries, giving more of yourself, listening, accepting, or even letting go. Try it on and let us know how it goes.
What are your thoughts on this subject?
We want to know because….Your life matters!
Take care and till next time,
Julie
Your Needs or Mine?
Hello Everyone:
There are two sets of needs in every relationship - yours and theirs. Sometimes you’ll get lucky; both parties’ needs are compatible and easily met at the same time. However, more often than not you and your other will have different needs that require different levels of attention. What’s worse is when you both have equally valid and urgent needs that are in total opposition to one another. It is in these moments that your relationships are defined.
There are several ways to approach conflicting needs.
- You can fight to get your needs met at the expense of the other.
- You can work to satisfy the other’s needs and let go of your own.
- You can find a compromise and try to meet both needs in some fashion.
- You can create a win-win where both needs get met.
- You can create a lose-lose where no one’s needs get met.
Here’s a simple story to illustrate how this can work. I was driving back to
I found it interesting that my first reaction was an “either/or” response. Either my friend was going to get his needs met or I was going to get my needs met. My knee jerk reaction was to fight to get mine met. I then took the time to understand the world I was walking into. In other words, I was able to consider what the day had been like for my friend and why he made his request in the first place. I also considered that he was not fully aware of what my day had been like and why I had my own agenda. Once I got into my friend’s world and frame of mind, I no longer resented his request and decided that if I arrived earlier, I would find something to do and give him his time. I then moved into how I could reframe that time for myself (as I did arrive early) and chose to take a nice walk, decompressing in a different way and possibly a better way given how much time I had just spent sitting in a car. Lastly, I realized that there really was no reason why both our needs couldn’t get met. I waited until our agreed upon time. I requested some time to shower and change so that I would feel better before leaving for our meeting. I knew that if we called beforehand and arrived a few minutes late to the dinner meeting that it would work for the situation at hand. I realized that there was room for everyone’s needs to get met. I went from “your needs or mine” to “both your needs and mine”. While this may not always be possible, I guarantee you that by approaching your relationships from this perspective you will generate more positive results. And just like my simple story illustrates, sometimes it takes a car ride to get there!
So here are my questions for you. What is your default reaction to conflicting needs? Do you automatically fight for yours? Do you automatically accommodate the other’s? Are you able to get into another’s world and understand what their needs are all about? Can you move from one approach to another in order to see what approach fits best for the current situation?
What are your thoughts on this subject?
We want to know because….Your life matters!
Take care and till next time,
Julie
www.julieorlov.com
Protecting the “I”, Embracing the “We” - Part 2
Hello Everyone:
By now I will assume you have determined if you are a person who needs to protect your “I” or if you like a high level of engagement with the “We” aspect of your relationships. If you’re not sure what I’m talking about, read the posting listed below. We typically will fall in one category or another. However, different relationships will elicit different positions on the continuum. For example, I was in a relationship where my partner needed a lot of “we”-ness. For me, the level of engagement that he required did not match my comfort zone. I spent time and energy in the relationship protecting and preserving my “I” space. In turn, I have been in other relationships where there was not enough of “we” time. In those circumstances I found myself coming forward, wanting less of my own space and more connectedness with the other. In essence, although we tend to gravitate towards one need or another, we will work to create a comfortable equilibrium.
So what determines our own comfort zone? And what creates all the reactivity when we feel out of balance? Here are some possibilities to consider. If you’re working hard to protect the “I”, you may be protecting yourself from being controlled, dominated, or engulfed. If you’re going after more “we”, you may be protecting yourself from feeling alone, abandoned, or rejected. In either case, you’re most likely struggling with some aspect of dealing with yourself and how it feels to be vulnerable with another.
Take this opportunity to see what fears exist for you. See if you can separate your fears and vulnerabilities with your boundaries. Take a look at how protecting the “I” and embracing the “we” shows up in your relationships with others. Be conscious of how and why you react and in what ways you work to restore your equilibrium. In doing so, you generate the freedom to create healthy boundaries in a loving way. Feel free to get the audio perspective and listen to the podcast now!
What are your thoughts on this subject?
We want to know because….Your life matters!
Take care and till next time,
Julie
Protecting the “I”, Embracing the “We”
Hello Everyone:
I thought it would be interesting to talk about our need for personal space. This need becomes most apparent within the context of relationships. Some people need a lot of alone time and freedom to act and be independent of another. Other people like to be engaged with another a lot of the time. Everyone has their own personal comfort zone for when they need to protect the “I” from the “We” that is created in relationships.
Challenges will typically arise when there is a significant difference between two people’s need for personal space. One person likes to be very involved with the other and needs very little time apart. The other person likes to be very independent and needs a lot of time apart. It is not uncommon to find that two people in a relationship will have different needs when it comes to honoring the “I” versus the “We”. The fact that there are differences is not really the problem. It is how you work with those differences that determine the impact.
For example, a friend of mine was dating a man who wanted to spend all his free time with her and her children. He did not like doing things on his own, preferring to operate as a “We” more than an “I” within the context of this relationship. On the other hand, my friend was busy raising small children, had a demanding job, and was feeling like she didn’t have enough time for herself. The more her date pursued time together, the more my friend retreated. She experienced him as smothering and needy; he experienced her as rejecting and selfish. You can probably guess how things progressed. Each person became more polarized in their attempts to get their needs met.
So how could these two people make this relationship work given the different levels of need for time apart and together? The first thing they needed to do was to not make each other wrong. There is nothing wrong with the person who needs a lot of space. There is equally nothing wrong with wanting a lot of togetherness. It was their reactivity to one another that got them into trouble. On a practical level, my friend and her date could simply negotiate time in a way that best meets both their needs. On another level, they could both take a deeper look into themselves, inquiring into what they fear will happen if they lose their respective needs for the “I” versus the “We”.
So let’s explore this dynamic together. Here are my questions for you. How much space do you need in a relationship? How do you differentiate your sense of being a separate person from your sense of being part of a couple? How do you react when you feel your boundaries are being invaded? How do you go about getting your needs met in this area? How do you deal with the different level of needs between you and your significant other? I know I’ve given you a lot to consider. Take your time, we’ll continue with this topic for awhile longer. In the meantime….
What are your thoughts on this subject?
We want to know because….Your life matters!
Take care and till next time,
Julie
Moving Past Being Right
Hello Everyone:
Now that you’re aware of how much of your conversations are about being right, the next logical question is what do I do instead? If you’re willing to give up being right, I promise you, there is a whole world out there waiting for you. The access to this world is through the act of listening. I mean truly listening. I don’t mean listening through the filter of deciding how much you agree or disagree with what the other person is saying; or thinking about what you’ll say next; or thinking about how much laundry there is to do; or……fill in the blank. Real listening entails putting aside you - your thoughts, interpretations, judgments, etc. long enough to get into another’s world. Your job is to understand the feelings, perspectives, reactions, wants and needs of the person to which you are relating.
If we use the scenario in the last posting on Mary and Bill, this is how the listening would be. Mary would understand that it is hard for Bill to switch gears easily from one task to another until each task is complete. She would hear Bill explain that he felt his career goals would be jeopardized by leaving work early as planned and that his identity as a man was connected to professional success and recognition. He felt he did the right thing by being in communication about the delays and really needed Mary’s understanding and support, not criticism and anger.
Bill would understand that Mary easily feels rejected and abandoned due to her early childhood experiences when her father would repeatedly say he’d take her somewhere and never follow through. He would understand that she made adjustments to accommodate him that put her own job at risk and wished he were willing or able to do the same for her. Mary was stressed out as well and it didn’t help that it was cold at the beach. Lastly, Bill would hear that it wasn’t just this one incident that triggered her reaction; it was a common occurrence and one that made Mary feel unimportant and uncared for. In the end, Mary just wanted to feel more considered and important.
Now, if both Mary and Bill really listened and let each other know that they understood where the other was coming from, the conversation would have a very different result. They would have both felt understood, acknowledged, supported, and loved. How’s that for just one short conversation.
So here’s my request for you. It’s really an opportunity. The next time you notice yourself engaging in a debate about who is right, STOP. Then put your concerns aside and listen to those of the other person. Really listen and let them know that you “get it”. See what happens next. Look for what is now possible. Maybe we should all adopt the old safety rule - STOP, LOOK, and LISTEN.
What are your thoughts on this subject?
We want to know because….Your life matters!
Take care and till next time,
Julie
The Need to be Right
Hello Everyone:
There is nothing more deadly to the health of a relationship than the need to be right. Think about how much time you spend talking, arguing, convincing, debating, or just plain reacting in order to get another to concede that you are right. This alone causes much of the pain and suffering that exists in most relationships.
I’ll share a story to illustrate my point. Bill phoned up his girlfriend Mary and asked her if she wanted to go for a run on the beach after work. Although Mary was in the middle of finishing up a project, she agreed to meet Bill at 6 o’clock. Mary brought her work home as she was unable to complete it before meeting Bill. Her boss was a bit annoyed, but she reassured him that it would be ready to email out before the next work day began. Bill called Mary on her cell phone at 6:10pm stating he had been delayed and would not be able to make it there until 6:30 and could she wait for him. Mary became annoyed, but said okay. It was now getting windy and cold. Bill called again to let her know he was leaving soon and promised he would be there by 6:45pm. He apologized for the delay, but said it couldn’t be helped. By now, Mary was upset. She had created some tension at work by leaving early and now her night would be even longer as she still had to complete the report. She felt Bill was insensitive to her world and needs and that this was typical behavior. Bill became defensive and reactive to Mary’s complaints and criticisms. He had a true emergency come up at work and had no choice but to stay and take care of it. He felt Mary was being unreasonable and inflexible to what stressors he had to deal with on a daily basis. You can guess how the argument pursued. Both Mary and Bill worked hard at convincing each other that they were right and the other was wrong. In the end, the only thing that got accomplished is they both left the beach angry. They created distance and righteousness. They lost understanding, compassion, and love.
Think about how often your intention with another is to be right. How do these types of interactions typically go for you? What are the outcomes? What is the impact? Even if we get someone else to agree that we are right, what do we really gain? What have we really lost in the process?
We have all heard the saying it is better to choose happiness over righteousness. What are your thoughts on this subject?
We want to know because….Your life matters!
Take care and till next time,
Julie
Who really is that Person in Bed Next to You?
Who Really is that Person in Bed Next to You?
Hello Everyone:
For the month of August, I thought we’d look at relationships. For those of you that are or have been in an intimate relationship with someone, you probably at some time or another have complained to someone about your loved one. Maybe it was that the person was withholding, critical, demanding, angry, absent, drank too much, whatever. You know what your complaints are and they are probably quite familiar. You may also be quite certain that you know your spouse, girlfriend or boyfriend well enough to know who they truly are. This week’s podcast addresses this very issue. You may think you know who your loved one is, but I can guarantee that in part, who your loved one is, is the person you created them to be. You have projected aspects of yourself, your parents, and your life experiences onto them. We do this because it is easier to work through our own issues when they are mirrored back to us from someone else.
So next time you look into the eyes of someone you love, ask yourself these questions. What aspects of myself do I see in the person I love? What dynamics have I created in this relationship in order to work through these unresolved issues and fears? Am I willing to take full responsibility for creating the very things I complain about? These questions will be addressed throughout the month as we begin to explore the world of relationships. Feel free to get the audio perspective and listen to the podcast now!
What are your thoughts on this subject?
We want to know because….Your life matters!
Take care and till next time,
Julie