The Upside of Attachments
Hello everyone:
While one can argue that there are benefits to releasing your attachments to how something should look, how someone should be, and so on, I think it is important for us to remember how important it is to be able to attach ourselves in the first place. We are hard wired to attach from birth. It is extremely important that we do so with our primary caregiver or caregivers. It is from our ability to attach to others that we develop our sense of self and eventually our sense of being separate from others. It is the foundation of human development. It is vital to the survival of our species. It is through our ability to attach to others that we help each other survive.
I personally attach to other people very quickly and easily. I love being connected and related to others. It’s no surprise that I am in the business of helping people and do so in a very authentic and intimate way. I believe this is a good thing, primarily because I also have clear boundaries in regards to who I am that is distinct from others. For instance, I know that I get frustrated when people do not follow through on what they said they will do. I also know that my oldest daughter does not. She is different from me. What is important to me may not be to her and vice versa. I know that when someone else is reacting to something, it probably has less to do with me and more to do with who they are and how they respond to certain behaviors and events. I can still be connected to others and separate who they are from myself. This may sound rather simple, but really it is not. We project our own “stuff” on to others all the time, but that’s a whole other topic for another day.
What I do struggle with is in the letting go of my connection with others. It is hard for me to let go of a relationship that is no longer working. I tend to work at it too long and too hard before I give up. I have gone through a divorce, let go of other romantic relationships, and lost some friendships along the way. Whether you have to let go of someone by choice, by circumstance, or by death, it is always hard to do. Some losses are worse than others; some people mean more to us than others; sometimes we may feel the loss for a very long time. A friend of mine was in a fairly chaotic relationship with a man with whom she had broken up and got back together several times. Each time she regretted getting back together as the same crazy dynamics occurred. She felt trapped. One day she told me how embarrassed she was that she continued to go back to this man that she knew was unable to have the kind of relationship she required. I told her that in all my years of counseling others, very few people were able to let go of their attachments quickly and painlessly. Some people were able to let go completely after round one or two; others could continue the cycle for an entire lifetime; and most fell somewhere in between.
So here’s my thoughts - While letting go can be hard, I am so grateful for the relationships I have had, even though in the end some of them may not have lasted for whatever reasons. Attaching yourself to others is good. However, it is equally important to know when it is necessary to detach and go through the grieving process. Both are a part of life.
So here’s my question for you. How easy or difficult is it for you to attach to others? Is it scary to become so vulnerable? How do you come to terms and know when it’s time to let go of another? How do you get through the grieving process?
What are your thoughts on this subject?
We want to know because….Your life matters!
Take care and till next time,
Julie
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