Decisions, Decisions, Decisions: In Whom Do You Trust?
Hello Everyone:
When we find ourselves in a personal dilemma or needing to make a major decision, most of us will seek the advice, opinions, or experiences of others. The less experience we have in dealing with a particular issue, the more we look outside ourselves to get information and guidance. When we feel stuck, unsure, or confused, it only makes sense to go to others for help. This is not only a natural thing to do, but an effective coping strategy. Most of the time, information or support is gathered, the information is processed, and a decision is made. This sounds simple enough, but in reality, it rarely is. In reality, a whole world unfolds once we transfer our trust from ourselves onto others.
For example, how does one contend with seemingly reliable information from varying sources that contradict one another? What do you do when your friends or colleagues have their two cents to contribute to how you should run your life and you believe that their advice sounds more applicable to their life than yours? How do you effectively hear what people have to say without getting defensive, reactive or simply overwhelmed? There are as many pitfalls to soliciting advice from others as benefits. And in the end, it you and only you that make the decisions that you will need to live with.
So here is my two cents on advice givers and receivers. (1) Yes, there are so called experts in various fields that have a lot to offer and I guess this would include me. However, no one is an expert on you and living your life; that role belongs to you and only you. (2) Friends, family and the like, will have valuable observations, opinions, and suggestions to offer you as they pertain to you and your life situations. However, remember that they are listening and speaking through their own struggles and situations – therefore, they will tend to focus on or project aspects of their own struggles or situations when commenting on you. (3) Decisions are made in different ways by different people, all of which have equal value. People contemplate and make decisions by either what they think, how they feel, what their instincts or intuition tells them, or some combination thereof. Knowing how you and your confidants approach decision making is very valuable. (4) People will sometimes hold others accountable for their own decisions, especially if that someone is an expert in the subject matter or conveys a strong conviction that their advice is sound. No matter what advice you get, you are still one hundred percent responsible for your decisions. It’s as simple as that.
So here’s my challenge for you. The next time you’re feeling uncertain, confused, or simply in need of bouncing something off another, remember to do the following: First, carefully consider what information is being offered, through what context, and from what source. Second, remember that ultimately, each and every decision is owned by you. In the end, you will need to trust your decision and accept its’ impact. Third, know that there is no such thing as a right or wrong decision. There are only decisions and what results occur out of having made them. Some decisions will have results that you deem positive, others will not. That’s just the name of the game. And lastly, consider that sometimes it’s best to go within rather than without in order to make a decision. You may know more than you realize; you may have access to all the information you need by going within and listening to your self. So go ahead…put trust back in yourself. Ultimately, it is your truth that counts; ultimately, it is your decision.
Stay with me and engage in this conversation. Your voice has an impact. What are your thoughts on this subject?
We want to know because….Your life matters!
Take care and till next time,
Julie
For More Information on Julie Orlov Consulting, visit www.julieorlov.com
To add your contact information to our database, go to www.julieorlov.com/contactus
Romantic Love: Is it Truth or Fiction?
Hello Everyone:
We all know what it’s like to fall in love. It’s that wonderful feeling that goes with meeting someone you really like and to whom you have a chemical attraction. It’s the time when a relationship is pure potential. It’s when you’re floating on air while feeling butterflies in your stomach. It’s the first phase of the natural development of an intimate relationship.
During this time, it is normal for two people to idealize one another, focusing on those aspects of the other that make them feel good. It is also normal to fantasize about what is and will come to pass. How does this person feel about me? Will this relationship grow and it what way? You know the questions that go through your mind. It is during this phase of relationships that the greatest assumptions and hopes for the future are generated. This phase always occurs whether you fall hard or slowly make your way down the road of romantic love.
Over time, as two people get to know each other better, the illusion of who you want this person to be begins to fade into who they really are. You begin to separate out fact from fiction. You begin to look at one another’s actions, communicate expectations, and accept the limitations that exist. You begin to move into the next phase of relationships where the feeling of attachment stems from a more mature, honest, and realistic perspective of one another. This phase continues until the relationship stabilizes or dissolves.
In some cases, people get stuck in phase one. They develop what is referred to as the fantasy bond. It is called the fantasy bond because the individual in this dilemma develops a bond or attachment to the fantasy of a person or relationship, not the reality of who or what truly exists. They simply are unable to move on to the next phase of development. This occurs more readily under certain circumstances such as:
1) When two people are limited in contact, such as when they see each other very infrequently or have had an intense one or two time “encounter”.
2) When the ways that two people communicate and relate are more virtual than not, such as via email, chat rooms, text messaging, etc.
3) When someone is very fearful of real intimacy, but craves the idea of intimacy; in this case he/she may create a fantasy bond that does not require any real level of commitment.
4) When someone has a deep sense of emptiness and loneliness that is difficult to tolerate. For these individuals, it’s better to believe something exists that does not, rather than deal with the loss and emptiness that comes from accepting what truly is.
So how does one enjoy that wonderful experience of falling in love without getting trapped in a fantasy bond? The good news is that most of us will not have to worry. However, even the most mature level headed individuals are not completely immune. I’ve worked with some very intelligent and insightful individuals who at one point or another in their lifetime met someone who triggered an obsessive or fantasy bond. So just in case, here are some helpful hints to keep your head above water while navigating romantic love.
1) Remember that just because you feel a certain way about someone, does not mean it’s reciprocal. One person can experience an intense connection to another, who in turn, does not. Separate out your feelings from theirs.
2) There is no substitute for time when it comes to getting to know someone. Who you think someone is at the outset, is only a slice of who they are. You as well will not show all those aspects of who you are in the first phase of romantic love. Truly knowing someone takes a long time, if not a lifetime. Separate out who you want them to be (or not) from who they are.
3) Look to the behaviors and communications. Are they congruent with one another? Do they meet your needs? In the long run, it’s better to accept what is, even if this means the relationship is not real or right for you. By doing so, you free yourself to meet someone who can truly give you what you need.
4) See what you may be avoiding dealing with yourself? What lessons does this person and relationship offer you? What aspects of yourself or your life do you need to address? What are you contributing to the current situation?
Relationships are designed to challenge us. They are also designed to support, enrich, and fulfill us. Go fall in love. It’s worth the risk.
Stay with me and engage in this conversation. Your voice has an impact. What are your thoughts on this subject?
We want to know because….Your life matters!
Take care and till next time,
Julie
For More Information on Julie Orlov Consulting, visit www.julieorlov.com
To add your contact information to our database, go to www.julieorlov.com/contactus
The Art of Being
Hello Everyone:
Life seems to just get busier and busier. In the process of keeping up with all the demands, responsibilities and activities, we are in need of getting more done in less time. In essence, we must become expert doers. Fortunately or unfortunately, our culture prides itself on doing. We are taught from a very young age the art of doing. We learn to do our homework, do our chores, and do our sports, music, and art. We’ve even turned our children’s playtime into appointments that need to be made days in advance. As we make our way into adulthood, we continue to build our legacy of producing mechanisms. Many of us, myself included, thrive on making “to do” lists, crossing off those items completed each day with pride. Simply speaking, we have become doing machines. We’ve become so lost on the treadmill of doing that we’ve forgotten the art of being.
So what is the art of being? It’s really quite simple. It is a declaration of who you are, not what you do. For example, I can do great work, or I can be greatness. The first is limited to the actual piece of work that I am producing. This is not a bad thing, it’s just limiting. The second is unlimited – if I am being greatness, I bring greatness to everything I do and everywhere I go. We see this demonstrated all the time. Last month I attended a Thanksgiving Service where a woman sang. Her doing was singing a song about love. However, she was not simply doing; her being was pure love. That love was expressed in every note, every sound, every word; her entire being exuded love. What a different experience this would have been if she had only been singing a song about love, if she had only been doing.
Just think about yourself and I’m sure you can find many examples of when you’ve been doing as opposed to being. Think about doing a favor for someone. Maybe you can remember a time when you did a kind act. Maybe your heart was in it or maybe you did it out of obligation or guilt. Now think of a time when you were being kindness. How does that change the way you are in the world. How does that impact others and your acts of kindness? In the art of being, you can be whatever you want – courage, love, power, compassion, success, happiness, passion, whatever. How your being is expressed, is then up to you.
So here’s my challenge for you. Create balance for yourself and your life. Make sure you remember to be as well as do. First decide who it is you want to be. How do you want to walk around in this world? What essence do you want to hold and carry into everything you do? Then practice the art of being. If you are being excellence, bring excellence into every encounter. Breathe excellence in and out of your body. Focus more on the being rather than the doing and the doing will take care of itself. Try it and see what miracles unfold.
Stay with me and engage in this conversation. Your voice has an impact. What are your thoughts on this subject?
We want to know because….Your life matters!
Take care and till next time,
Julie
For More Information on Julie Orlov Consulting, visit www.julieorlov.com
To add your contact information to our database, go to www.julieorlov.com/contactus
Lessons from Costa Rica
Hello Everyone:
I just returned from a two-week vacation in
He explained to us that he had spent a year living in the
So what was it that I found so profound in this one man’s story? At first glance, the story is fairly simple. Young man ventures out to
There are several possibilities. First, a timely reminder that happiness is not found in your wallet. Mind you, I am a firm believer that one can have money in their pocket and be happy at the same time, but they are certainly not interdependent. At a time when American consumerism and materialism is at an all time high (given the amount of money that will be spent this year on holiday gifts alone), maybe we all need a friendly reminder of what really counts….. Being with the people we love, connecting with family, making a contribution, and living in a place and in a manner that feels like “home”.
Second, sometimes we need to leave home in order to appreciate what home means to us. I mean this literally as well as figuratively. We tend to take things for granted fairly quickly – people, circumstances, health, jobs, etc. It’s always helpful to take some sort of “vacation” away from what is familiar to us in order to gain perspective and appreciation from a distance. This of course can result in seeing what doesn’t work for us as well as what does.
Third, it may not be as important where you live, but who you are while living there. I believe it was not
Lastly, sometimes, simple is better; less is more.
(I think I’ll practice what I preach and add no more)
So here’s my challenge for you. Reflect on what is truly important to you. See how “rich” your life is at this very moment. Ask yourself where your happiness is found. What is your definition of “home”? When was the last time you created some distance in order to look at your life from different perspectives? What did you discover in the process? Pay attention to those people or situations that bring out the best in you, or the worst in you. Consider the lessons they are offering. How do you want to respond?
I know, a lot to consider. Funny how there can be so many lessons in one simple story. Funny how just one young man working at a front desk in a hotel in Costa Rica sharing one simple story can have such an impact. You are no different; your stories count.
Stay with me and engage in this conversation. Your voice has an impact. What are your thoughts on this subject?
We want to know because….Your life matters!
Take care and till next time,
Julie
For More Information on Julie Orlov Consulting, visit www.julieorlov.com
To add your contact information to our database, go to www.julieorlov.com/contactus
What’s In It For Me?
Hello Everyone:
As an Organizational Consultant who helps managers motivate their employees, one of the golden rules is to answer the infamous “What’s in it for me?” question. There’s even an acronym for this - WIIFM. If you answer the question accurately, then you can set up a project or organizational goal in a way that provides the necessary motivation for your employees to produce the desired results. And while this all sounds good in theory, I was reflecting on how hard it is to stay the course and reach goals that require effort sustained over a long period of time. The bigger the goal or dream, the bigger the challenge. The more we are required to step outside our comfort zone, the least likely we will get there. Even those goals that we have generated ourselves for ourselves are hard to reach. This is because “things” get in our way. These things include such circumstances as the kids got sick, the car broke down, not enough time, not enough energy, not enough money, not enough discipline, and so on and so on. It is incredibly hard to go the distance and reach our summits. In spite of all the “reasonable” circumstances that get in your way, believe it or not, the biggest “thing” that will get in your way is you. So the question is … is “What’s in it for me?” the best question to ask in the first place?
I believe there may be a better question to pose – “What’s in it for others?” The standard question “What’s in it for me?” takes the position that if something out there will give me something in here, then it will be worth it for me to proceed. It implies that our motivation for doing something challenging or uncomfortable will be the reward we receive the end of the day. An example of this would be motivating your child to get good grades by promising them $20.00 for each A. If the number on the bill is high enough, then your child might be motivated to sustain the efforts required to get the A that he/she would not have done otherwise. And while this style of motivation might work in some circumstances, it will not work when you are climbing your own
The question “What’s in it for others?” serves several purposes. It forces you to look beyond yourself for why you created the goal or dream in the first place. It takes the position of formulating a greater purpose. It asks you to think about what is at stake? What will happen if you give up? What will be lost? It takes the focus off you and places more emphasis on how you will contribute to the world. When we’re less ego-centric and more focused on making a difference, we are better able to move forward in times of fatigue, fear, struggle, or resignation. We get out of our way. The “what’s in it for me” is too myopic in nature. The “what’s in it for others” broadens our perspective and enriches our lives.
So here’s my challenge to you. The next time you feel stopped in moving forward with reaching a goal or dream, ask yourself “What’s in it for others?” Discover just how important and powerful you are. Understand that when you take on a new challenge and win, your win is not yours alone. It belongs to us all. Who we are and what we do has ripple effects. We are that interconnected. So don’t give up, take a deep breathe, and take the next step…because we all have something at stake.
Stay with me and engage in this conversation. Your voice has an impact. What are your thoughts on this subject?
We want to know because….Your life matters!
Take care and till next time,
Julie
For More Information on Julie Orlov Consulting, visit www.julieorlov.com
To add your contact information to our database, go to www.julieorlov.com/contactus
What is Your Mt. Everest?
Hello Everyone:
I find it so interesting to talk to people who are about to take on a new challenge. Think about a time when you embarked on a new venture that required you to step out of your comfort zone. Maybe it was going back to school and getting a degree, maybe it was leaving your employer to start a business of your own, or maybe it was developing new relationships and expanding your social world. Anytime we take on something new that requires us to stretch and take risks, we experience those awful growing pains.
For example, I have worked with many people who decide for one reason for another to go back to school and get a degree. I remember working with Suzie who did not see herself as a good student. Although she did have a bachelor’s degree, she was not very committed to getting good grades and basically did the minimum requirements to graduate. Her confidence in herself as a learner was low. Now some fifteen years later, Suzie wanted to go back to school and get her Master’s. That goal might as well been as big as climbing Mt Everest. The mountain she would need to cross was that daunting to her. Even the thought of just going on-line and researching graduate programs was overwhelming. She was often paralyzed with fear. It took a lot of hand holding, reality testing, and baby steps, but in the end Suzie applied to and was accepted by a graduate school. Today, she is two classes away from graduation. While her growth was not pain free, in the end it was all worth it. Not only will Suzie earn her Master’s degree and all that follows, she has developed and internalized a new version of herself – someone who can take on the challenge of education and succeed.
Now for some of you who are comfortable in the role of graduate student, this goal would not be your
Really, the only way for anyone to get over their
So here’s my challenge for you. What is your
Stay with me and engage in this conversation. Your voice has an impact. What are your thoughts on this subject?
We want to know because….Your life matters!
Take care and till next time,
Julie
For More Information on Julie Orlov Consulting, visit www.julieorlov.com
To add your contact information to our database, go to www.julieorlov.com/contactus